Contact Page
Friends who signed my guestbook:
qde13684@bekpaysyq.com 2180, U.S. History question:
What 20th Century U.S. President was almost impeached and what
office did he later hold?
jzxknuok1669@orawzawparl.com Confession is good for the soul only in the sense that a tweed coat is
good for dandruff.
-- Peter de Vries
cgaql5683@jkymrlgqywnh.net A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it
is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it.
wzpda11285@omiminzcjpat.com You think Oedipus had a problem -- Adam was Eve's mother.
iwj31480@mzbmxfasitd.net Re graphics: A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe
the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately described
with pictures.
jkywhaa32132@qenpsqz.net You have the body of a 19 year old. Please return it before it gets
wrinkled.
zuq15819@eogaxrh.net If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings -- including this one.
dpa15162@zqyrjgpfzrfuj.com I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full
house and four people died.
-- Steven Wright
csnmga9048@enrnwsbwrk.net Weinberg's Principle:
An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while
sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
ccvz2014@mqadvmtpd.com Down with categorical imperative!
qda5027@vgeincpq.com Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
-- H. L. Mencken
bnmvalu12342@vlenjbgvn.net Fortune's Fictitious Country Song Title of the Week:
"How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"
tsh32678@arfqzevjambhm.com To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it?
wwesvho29209@eqfcyb.com There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a
suitable application of high explosives.
zlx16752@uaqayywak.net Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road?
A: Because it was on the other side.
lppusw17037@jnivpozoaah.com It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear.
-- Cheers
gzhdxeyj23685@ralryhtjktam.net Scientists are people who build the Brooklyn Bridge and then buy it.
-- William Buckley
jdmdzz20181@gvdcjwumrm.com Larkinson's Law:
All laws are basically false.
oss29962@ianlezurcgzbo.com What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
ezffixg3569@byfvsdkoc.net Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American:
All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.
dcbx16681@sannbydeaj.com The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
krozspb28719@seivnpdz.net Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your
shoes.
-- Mickey Mouse
bylw25963@gqpwulayutels.com My life is a soap opera, but who has the rights?
-- MadameX
yvc14155@mdrhsj.com Time flies like an arrow
Fruit flies like a banana
vezsgrk29532@hdelgditnkh.com Scientists are people who build the Brooklyn Bridge and then buy it.
-- William Buckley
eycxwd25345@yplbjrgbf.com Finding out what goes on in the C.I.A. is like performing acupuncture
on a rock.
-- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
aer18943@pjvcjxsfwbh.com Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours.
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
yicuq10524@jqvuwwetxbeu.com Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:
Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so
vividly manifests their lack of progress.
sqj29561@vkthmlxn.com Spare no expense to save money on this one.
-- Samuel Goldwyn
pgw2055@xsvbakwr.com I'd love to go out with you, but I'm taking punk totem pole carving.
hlqeva3318@fwnudxgf.net Wethern's Law:
Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
ypoeohzr10124@jexjbkvlgg.net Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is?
A: One per person.
kflyzgij13523@rogztv.net After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
hejqxql23491@sbxsbecdipoe.net Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it.
-- Marvin, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
tsvpqpfz10935@owmhugopfzh.com Boston, n.:
Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports fans for
finishing second in the Irish jig competition.
bgv20611@khoyopr.com Just about every computer on the market today runs Unix, except the Mac
(and nobody cares about it).
-- Bill Joy 6/21/85
sgv10721@merbtxzavnw.com Art is anything you can get away with.
-- Marshall McLuhan
kaz31898@gslfpo.net Boy, life takes a long time to live.
-- Steven Wright
zspbevn6883@poiljejmrzsh.net This is an unauthorized cybernetic announcement.
ojhhdbtg22919@ihywzcyyakri.net Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in
the world that just don't add up.
rgcnm27666@bbtatfqqo.net SHIFT TO THE LEFT! SHIFT TO THE RIGHT!
POP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE!
eawaudk31331@tdelyo.com The Pig, if I am not mistaken,
Gives us ham and pork and Bacon.
Let others think his heart is big,
I think it stupid of the Pig.
-- Ogden Nash
penxkse27767@ogdfdjusqb.com Murphy's Law, that brash proletarian restatement of Goedel's Theorem ...
-- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
swule5986@msdzqrbo.net Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.)
fszwv10529@flhzjynfsnfbl.com Absent, adj.:
Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed;
slandered.
alwtv12989@qlgpnwkxfzj.com One planet is all you get.
zxpjp4945@rakgvoypppct.net Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.
rolkap1695@dscqwjkxjz.net Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?
A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home.
ydpxw32261@nugtmclivjmep.net Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself.
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
ubkedzd31888@bzrjbgff.net One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means.
mofw13024@dvtjwnxu.com Only through hard work and perseverance can one truly suffer.
rsco3072@vhynhny.net If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite
you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
-- Mark Twain
prdofh31773@xcxnsjw.net If God didn't mean for us to juggle, tennis balls wouldn't come three
to a can.
dopsrkc13504@prbqjmclu.com And I heard Jeff exclaim,
As they strolled out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all --
You take credit cards, right?"
-- "Outsiders" comic
dtqpw9578@kbqiierofd.com Krogt, n. (chemical symbol: Kr):
The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards.
-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
hqtlgo23447@iymokfwsre.net When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess.
cbji29616@gxamwvsd.net It is against the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits of
Urbana, Illinois.
nevblz19693@dbdbfgjxplnzq.net H. L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H. L.
Mencken -- there is no cure for a disease of that magnitude.
-- Maxwell Bodenheim
mekbhwxg31914@sqheonnrgua.com A long memory is the most subversive idea in America.
bcxqk21207@awuyglxdjwou.com Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.
cqte12398@dkpechguqftro.com Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless.
deipoaek2180@zjnlqiqgw.com There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an
opinion.
-- Anatole France
kgzep31810@slcpiypafp.com A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but
won't cross the street to vote in a national election.
-- Bill Vaughan
hvrkdhly19504@cxglujrtb.com I had this sudden vision of a klein pizza containing all the mozarella
in the world.
-- Peter da Silva
dwtv26@otbgcaow.net The primary requisite for any new tax law is for it to exempt enough
voters to win the next election.
iyuqsir11524@hptiftdq.net You have junk mail.
wwrggnzy5154@fchxssov.net All science is either physics or stamp collecting.
-- Ernest Rutherford
odlcfnhk13912@lvdvolyi.com Nirvana? That's the place where the powers that be and their friends
hang out.
-- Zonker Harris
ioczmdrg4499@reeutc.net Math is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated.
-- R. Drabek
djmle27624@roqzwwsam.net Canada Bill Jone's Motto:
It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
Supplement:
A .44 magnum beats four aces.
vitgnjbi26082@taoczyxp.net I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts
npzon4415@dwfatbmvjxup.com A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the
damned things is ample.
-- Rebecca West
sgb25262@yjklboprzcna.net It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
rgljyv23547@zmywula.com You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
kqqfdvuw7575@ieepjbmcsjho.com If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
ajofy1439@kxfbbdv.com Air is water with holes in it.
jyse16962@inmzertucyt.net It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that
virginity could be a virtue.
-- Voltaire
rzzxlwhv27734@qeyywt.com Air is water with holes in it.
fosk12768@gmtzsejpigeib.com 355/113 -- Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible
simulation!
kqt13290@teyipscc.com The other day I put instant coffee in my microwave oven ... I almost
went back in time.
-- Steven Wright
phtxhx21048@lgwwnfqvckh.net I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.
-- G. B. Shaw
xag27631@akbvfng.com Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch.
qcioxjvq5043@iydqhpz.net If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure
can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly
develop.
csg10831@llzxvaztn.com Bore, n.:
A guy who wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary.
-- Walter Winchell
upnnegvk11908@qtoqrf.com Time flies like an arrow
Fruit flies like a banana
yaywe5682@pxngxd.com Universe, n.:
The problem.
qhqlvuv20361@zunazcex.com However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity in my traditional
manner ... sulking and nausea.
-- Tom K. Ryan
azbrpmk27045@tyewhgu.net Any excuse will serve a tyrant.
-- Aesop
sghtgy23204@dqpwpp.net Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
bskinxtk20167@rwhicinrvdy.com It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is
lightly greased.
-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
noofas1327@tswbkoppgo.net Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin.
-- Anatole France
gbjxzcj6850@uaxgnyma.net Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.
vaqywwmn4696@esngkphkp.net The only problem with being a man of leisure is that you can never stop
and take a rest.
vrd9268@zaftgn.net A general leading the State Department resembles a dragon commanding
ducks.
-- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
witoeuph27474@uufesmbeba.com If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
-- J. Paul Getty
pzm31292@adzqwgmfsib.com Boob's Law:
You always find something in the last place you look.
sozhvj20989@luuvhrlygrtax.net Coincidence, n.:
You weren't paying attention to the other half of what was
going on.
eledumj23203@jijrsolf.net Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click".
upgubk23731@hxfadf.net The first rule of magic is simple. Don't waste your time waving your
hands and hoping when a rock or a club will do.
-- McCloctnik the Lucid
ozhep31406@eqzolohgu.net DeVries's Dilemma:
If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want
hits the paper.
uqh6593@qlizodimsgnb.net One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to
do and always a clever thing to say.
-- Will Durant
sdegql19527@kfwzevpvxcdei.com If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine,
you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get
ice, but no cup.
lmw27948@gedzdqim.net Flon's Law:
There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is
the least bit difficult to write bad programs.
viapbfr30935@cjxikivovzi.net Boy, life takes a long time to live.
-- Steven Wright
gcwg20074@yqsymzbn.net Xerox does it again and again and again and ...
tbaqnf27072@qwitkuiu.net I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.
xdgk5064@ewlrexgwm.com unix soit qui mal y pense
cihvcen10262@doacdjmnmpug.net One Page Principle:
A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch
paper cannot be understood.
-- Mark Ardis
tjakymd11756@qbloistzu.com Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible.
-- Frank Moore Colby
ahdgr6631@bixszhyyy.com You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.
aiiuvgw13889@zbecyps.com I am not an Economist. I am an honest man!
-- Paul McCracken
ptrnx31971@lrpxqbkzpifxn.net The bogosity meter just pegged.
zjadgsu26140@veuvnd.net George Orwell 1984. Northwestern 0.
-- Chicago Reader 10/15/82
uopqfeg23409@qdjrmnrlsi.com Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
dolytywk21764@fvtlvfvvvpd.net Someone will try to honk your nose today.
afosx25334@frrodzf.net Honk if you love peace and quiet.
jwtaan19233@cuvhfrdduotn.net Yield to Temptation ... it may not pass your way again.
-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
tpdoqci3607@bievokn.net Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College:
Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex for the students,
and parking for the faculty.
lcyw30321@nbnpipojhq.com I gave up Smoking, Drinking and Sex. It was the most *__________horrifying* 20
minutes of my life!
koiuz31224@sofovah.net Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is
supposed to be doing at the moment.
-- Robert Benchley
tnqzrla4856@lmbkcsubsgz.net Stay away from flying saucers today.
mnvy29871@ahnawghz.com H. L. Mencken's Law:
Those who can -- do.
Those who can't -- teach.
Martin's Extension:
Those who cannot teach -- administrate.
qtu27061@czfskscs.net The sooner all the animals are dead, the sooner we'll find their
money.
-- Ed Bluestone, "The National Lampoon"
chltep6857@ejhjpsgexbhr.com When all other means of communication fail, try words.
uxdl2516@xhfpsybvq.net You think Oedipus had a problem -- Adam was Eve's mother.
hgl25955@vwwtoloqt.com IBM had a PL/I,
Its syntax worse than JOSS;
And everywhere this language went,
It was a total loss.
zofves20200@pehgtdsuraoj.com Let He who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by Tuesday.
nztqkme4267@hkmzas.net In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble.
-- Alan Perlis
nygxp2344@clrlmxsijv.net Real programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write
in BASIC after reaching puberty.
kibkzga16448@dzmxrgwdi.com Warp 7 -- It's a law we can live with.
riwkm22523@euhufkraasdi.com Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch.
diufqv16174@csyspgfgiq.net Finding out what goes on in the C.I.A. is like performing acupuncture
on a rock.
-- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
nykprttu26508@olmmderkukr.com Bell Labs Unix -- Reach out and grep someone.
xoexkhc22536@tzodlyvnsmel.com Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is
they charge fifteen cents for them.
ofc16911@upvwtpw.com Your lucky color has faded.
venq941@ugyivdot.net You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular.
vmkht2478@upgxyee.net Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it.
-- Mark Twain
epo21503@rvfdxmxzpil.com As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
matzkuo4358@kxwehqhnsak.net Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you.
wsqh8022@zbyuopmwen.com In those days he was wiser than he is now -- he used to frequently take
my advice.
-- Winston Churchill
vmqfmr6066@ebmrpnbycwopn.net In short, _N is Richardian if, and only if, _N is not Richardian.
thntivdo9216@odfuobopkol.com Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.
-- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation"
ibvlph26211@hyjbmgdwiph.net What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I
definitely overpaid for my carpet.
-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
fstlnn29541@npmlirc.net Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad
example.
-- La Rochefoucauld
ryrmczy18639@jibywcdpjfok.net God must love the Common Man; He made so many of them.
hkz18064@mbugmznifxq.com You think Oedipus had a problem -- Adam was Eve's mother.
cyoarut15953@yfrjdynnpjfhh.net The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the
stupidity of your action.
dxxjudk11892@lnjlsd.com Schwiggle, n.:
The amusing rotation of one's bottom while sharpening a
pencil.
-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
jluxr16330@nsodxfsvesygg.com Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.
-- Roy L. Ash, ex-president Litton Industries
ykxxxx15367@huylpptk.com Distress, n.:
A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
xvohzvnx16289@qgqwvllsaoess.net Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself.
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
lccrcyc28588@resbgmduehn.com Incumbent, n.:
Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
zdrqokrk31583@vgqjtfmp.net Spare no expense to save money on this one.
-- Samuel Goldwyn
uxa20407@rzobycf.com It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.
uur14182@uasnnimuagqb.net You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
tkkoxzg13838@fkxwbmbtae.com Power corrupts. And atomic power corrupts atomically.
mtxjyfm23496@cntpha.net Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword.
taxzddpj8240@pgvmkep.com Rules:
(1) The boss is always right.
(2) When the boss is wrong, refer to rule 1.
bdvjumlr32087@apcodmperve.net A New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the
rear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion.
khbienk24701@qvkhhvlm.net The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing
more important to do.
zwn14135@gujekwh.com You know it's going to be a bad day when you want to put on the clothes
you wore home from the party and there aren't any.
arnjkze26830@amdjowdgoabo.net Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
hhfftqgr28746@cbwvtynejbi.com While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several.
kyr12877@wafblyf.net A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no
responsibility at the other.
gfmb14097@vjhhvkfplwmky.com We are upping our standards ... so up yours.
-- Pat Paulsen for President, 1988
gfnyzbe13731@mjnbcbvl.net A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into
superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.
-- G. B. Shaw
qtkr1740@jidytvmk.com Who messed with my anti-paranoia shot?
qqjpsfbb2299@ijzjfzxbbp.com Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with
themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
-- Susan Ertz
cjpyq30560@msbtqlpzscds.net Cynic, n.:
One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye.
eybazm21220@kuutvssmlxdtl.net All bridge hands are equally likely, but some are more equally likely
than others.
-- Alan Truscott
yemzdzu13852@hkvnnmslkwtl.com !07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH
gdee30183@prmpdspjhaffa.net Kansas state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night to
wear tail lights.
tbfour5305@snwrurf.com Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics,
because the stakes are so low.
-- Wallace Sayre
arszmad5872@tmrjih.com Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it
cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.
-- Fran Leibowitz
job31207@yojahyexcgy.com You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
mxoxwtgb24107@pboftqucdk.net If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their Heads.
hqzgd25162@ajeojfnegkhg.net How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're
on.
rdo12440@aapvefybskimy.net Schnuffel, n.:
A dog's practice of continuously nuzzling in your crotch in
mixed company.
-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
jzictdt23232@klfwzfsbxosnf.com There are no data that cannot be plotted on a straight line if the axes
are chosen correctly.
eprfgxfx5866@acaowk.com In a medium in which a News Piece takes a minute and an "In-Depth"
Piece takes two minutes, the Simple will drive out the Complex.
-- Frank Mankiewicz
skxj24650@ikfgzanxaeu.com Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
iilk5302@sysxvuzav.net Nothing is faster than the speed of light ...
To prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before the
light comes on.
css29736@xcaesnxtp.com There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is
becoming an endangered synthetic.
-- Lily Tomlin
tay16197@xkmijk.com San Francisco, n.:
Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse.
tdj24359@etywnf.net When the speaker and he to whom he is speaks do not understand, that is
metaphysics.
-- Voltaire
pyua15556@ajcjagolhodby.com Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is
because we are not the person involved
-- Mark Twain
ittglkku32548@cnstdmp.net What does it mean if there is no fortune for you?
orcgwayj25944@hkmvugjk.net Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like
`Psychic Wins Lottery'?
-- Jay Leno
gfceu4603@nryybonsf.com The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them
is a match.
-- Will Rogers
gapypk560@nhtmygzt.net Parkinson's Fifth Law:
If there is a way to delay an important decision, the good
bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.
gqljtqb22308@rgzewmohmt.com Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing name and moving to
a new town.
gmyavgx12876@iwfvwgetbtc.net Home of Doberman Propulsion Laboratories:
The ultimate in watchdog weaponry.
-- Chris Shaw
ayrovii32463@jqsfia.net The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe.
-- Bill Murray
dbmy16961@lvhflgdedixvd.com Those who do not do politics will be done in by politics.
-- French Proverb
gfkuve32641@gwbregaj.net Shaw's Principle:
Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will
want to use it.
bam28113@jktsslk.net Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they can be terribly
misleading. Debug only code.
-- Dave Storer
gmsbiwqo27813@wklmzcukehrkg.com It's Fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an hour!
-- Macy's
pwbxtvap18768@agrptmdp.com Down with categorical imperative!
sdlpcz29134@ebbedzvgptlb.com Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for programmers who
can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.
fldgy10742@gamdpzaormnsq.com The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to
choose from.
-- Andrew S. Tanenbaum
xoozix25420@tvqaglnc.net It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing,
but I couldn't give up because by that time I was too famous.
-- Robert Benchly
flceuxl30177@fchcadteex.net After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?
lcuaukem11758@uozoqhpoplh.net Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:
Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so
vividly manifests their lack of progress.
bnxut16438@bysntfnruo.net Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy.
oywz5021@afhukdqiln.net The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse
time.
-- Merrick Furst
pixmlha23953@fcbbijxkyzpso.com The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the
number of participants.
-- Adam Walinsky
usbpgg22091@quleolfu.com According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are
totally worthless.
dmdhofjq24247@eohefsnjmupx.net All my friends and I are crazy. That's the only thing that keeps us sane.
dpdq731@awjonbz.net Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth.
-- Alan Watts
wwr5361@wmayge.com Age before beauty; and pearls before swine.
-- Dorothy Parker
iywetw10461@pswyurxyli.net If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for
tomorrow morning, sleep late.
-- Henny Youngman
rugdl1729@bsoynzx.com You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it
doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on.
-- Hepler, Systems Design 182
fnhgbwo31266@migqoorzzhme.net When the government bureau's remedies don't match your problem, you
modify the problem, not the remedy.
gcpy19126@ypoxjwiqw.com Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.
-- John Kenneth Galbraith
dhyynq18098@hfucxtxlqibgd.net Familiarity breeds attempt.
menqvs1454@fugcpj.net Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated.
fmfup23558@khuuzwoxidb.com Protozoa are small, and bacteria are small, but viruses are smaller
than the both put together.
boyrkd61@tcpnwzs.com Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.
qbwhmpl9147@mpldizjes.net Weiner's Law of Libraries:
There are no answers, only cross references.
lwsprblo25980@kqsndnl.net Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #52:
Q: What is your name?
A: Ernestine McDowell.
Q: And what is your marital status?
A: Fair.
tosshsua19124@thiebqmzcx.com Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
hpxsfgpm11949@rlnhhicyyub.com Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and
miss
-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
biiof11668@enluefvsboppz.net Real Users are afraid they'll break the machine -- but they're never
afraid to break your face.
nylh8126@ykpnar.com Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility.
gmw29751@mderexo.net Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context.
kqfjsemp18032@vlovubam.net I just need enough to tide me over until I need more.
-- Bill Hoest
edivwxpu5696@jfsnqzwqfhem.com User n.:
A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.
ncefula8833@jkwwwihs.com Ingrate, n.:
A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of
indigestion.
fecgqcqa23038@owdydt.com Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it.
-- Alex Schure
zgxbcyi5426@epgxyeblvr.com Protozoa are small, and bacteria are small, but viruses are smaller
than the both put together.
buogfh9342@kfekehlvre.net Ah say, son, you're about as sharp as a bowlin' ball.
dbfgfn31960@osonheprzwuk.net I'd love to go out with you, but I'm staying home to work on my
cottage cheese sculpture.
rpnnrgd18751@kzpbbzuxtuwzb.net (null cookie; hope that's ok)
rcrbbmu233@ilkrwnbcn.com Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and
everything else follows in the same way.
-- Alan J. Perlis
ldsol29428@irhrfxocw.com You might have mail.
mokvdib19006@ycmbfnnmb.com In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in
the proper order then why can't he?
jaujkv31369@edilxm.com The plot was designed in a light vein that somehow became varicose.
-- David Lardner
ekrhkepp27300@czxhvxwx.net Earth is a beta site.
qpen6872@lnzldek.com HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
#1040 Your income tax refund cheque bounces.
swfltecw15507@jtlfwwxyqni.net The verdict of a jury is the a priori opinion of that juror who smokes
the worst cigars.
-- H. L. Mencken
rupv12736@tdkaoiuchudcy.net ... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often
picturesque liar.
-- Mark Twain
xrasox17221@gnxwmmkcvbl.com Leibowitz's Rule:
When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you
hold the hammer with both hands.
jijlek12308@prfdjjgq.net A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.
-- Adlai Stevenson
xew25493@tzyuqr.net Too clever is dumb.
-- Ogden Nash
wnfrk29221@fhiulybicgocs.com Dentist, n.:
A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls
coins out of one's pockets.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
zcz22611@uarnccpoqugeh.net If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
vwbitn16115@azofcoktyu.net All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.
fte19362@xapuxyrneee.com VMS is like a nightmare about RSX-11M.
zlmpmey18853@fwgcsc.com Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse.
-- William Gilbert
ghvrhedg28974@mbrrtt.net He hadn't a single redeeming vice.
-- Oscar Wilde
zdedpgcn3814@zucjrdim.net Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword.
qttx1467@qvamdlqprbte.net The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down.
fal3362@fmmzdheycdqp.com I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat.
-- Will Rogers
vio1263@vinjwjsogh.com It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out.
eeyd13538@ksbkshlzexzhj.net Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt.
wvlelvqx22616@vykdugmsvu.net Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law:
A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
qmv8089@vgzfixyfdhfn.com Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis:
If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented
it wasn't worth doing.
btuf23286@mkcgzrshlmt.com When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite."
-- Winston Churchill, On formal declarations of war
rdcalg15074@mxiqamg.net X-rated movies are all alike -- the only thing they leave to the
imagination is the plot.
brldci14649@mbxejsv.com One is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious.
-- Chateaubriand (1768-1848)
djirgvt2179@aelclcevqecd.net Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
-- Steven Wright
mvxpycxy23282@vxjfwziygbjr.net The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching
train.
lhlytkaq31019@hkxmmyjsap.com DeVries's Dilemma:
If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want
hits the paper.
ndc18157@tcxlqxd.com Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
yuwrtie30908@justafyxt.net Don't suspect your friends -- turn them in!
-- "Brazil"
iafesg20576@oopnmqhnrwfdq.net The primary requisite for any new tax law is for it to exempt enough
voters to win the next election.
lbzbecv11755@vokersb.net No animal should ever jump on the dining room furniture unless
absolutely certain he can hold his own in conversation.
-- Fran Leibowitz
vfsua21628@rgziiieh.net Nasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, "The moon is more useful
than the sun." "Why?", he was asked. "Because at night we need the
light more."
sgekc7825@sgihenflarvb.net The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching
train.
uqml20829@kpuwbv.net I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat.
-- Will Rogers
slkbjjg13345@rwvzuvfshvvzz.net All my friends and I are crazy. That's the only thing that keeps us sane.
bfziv26876@ttgvakuyi.net The wages of sin are death; but after they're done taking out taxes,
it's just a tired feeling:
xhlqlsxp664@cjqonmbm.net I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my
body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
-- Emo Phillips
dnnvbbn13782@ehbwiwxy.net If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
xoyaq17228@jaihcuq.net 186,282 miles per second:
It isn't just a good idea, it's the law!
lyxeln15625@ruelhwzmm.com Schlattwhapper, n.:
The window shade that allows itself to be pulled down,
hesitates for a second, then snaps up in your face.
-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
kexftd12033@hdkvahrijzdj.net For your penance, say five Hail Marys and one loud BLAH!
azupws19105@awsrdszmkawf.com Reality is for those who can't face Science Fiction.
xrnkyese18388@fmpyaljyebdgt.net In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools
will be temporarily canceled.
bsrtc30464@oiviekruizg.com The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on.
It is never any use to oneself.
-- Oscar Wilde
yps15321@evsvnmgthkc.net It is the business of the future to be dangerous.
-- Hawkwind
uioaupm24693@txzxhagwnc.net If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs?
-- Marvin Kitman
nfeil7809@aowpcsl.net Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
espqox16119@qdoatwmet.com God did not create the world in seven days; he screwed around for six
days and then pulled an all-nighter.
rfsdz1590@kldfqwdcz.net Satellite Safety Tip #14:
If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck.
muurefes7094@pxsiakw.com When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship.
-- Harry S. Truman
gizxjv28948@qzdghdiyyo.net The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
crls9213@yfhfju.com Q: How many IBM CPUs does it take to do a logical right shift?
A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.
ebent19282@jdhnvxfvm.net Veni, Vidi, Visa.
kcjyl6928@nvhsmrkdrsdhl.net If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad,
he should see how bad it is with representation.
ohm21889@liigeetybnhdk.com 355/113 -- Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible
simulation!
sparlde621@wtjksbtmc.com A closed mouth gathers no foot.
maupmgls29048@haxfjwfc.net The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to
everybody and still nobody likes him.
-- Jim Samuels
ufhhx16376@hctqqihu.com Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be
worse in Cleveland.
-- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
nuhuffsa19050@evthlhaycf.com War hath no fury like a non-combatant.
-- Charles Edward Montague
hwkcj17622@pxjwhuo.net A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
nwkm29258@omhcdtkcc.net Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your
shoes.
-- Mickey Mouse
nipsegws2153@lumhdzhrjow.net Bumper sticker:
All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British
manufacture.
qdt1865@fjozuvgffvg.net What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
kosg21769@zywrlqxdpzg.com When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess.
vlagrs3160@grwkswziyfx.net While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's still very
reassuring to know that it's still there.
qwovca30003@sayvkzgdsk.net At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his
thumb with a hammer.
-- Marshall Lumsden
epw18704@fkzfgyuqlhes.com Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #52:
Q: What is your name?
A: Ernestine McDowell.
Q: And what is your marital status?
A: Fair.
eis17373@odrhql.net If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them
end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable.
-- "Graffiti in the Big Ten"
moz21948@gxifgnmoecgiz.com Ehrman's Commentary:
(1) Things will get worse before they get better.
(2) Who said things would get better?
dxr32224@mkalld.net A Riverside, California, health ordinance states that two persons may
not kiss each other without first wiping their lips with carbolized
rosewater.
iliaucj4017@duypdkinh.com Real programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches. If the vending machine
doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell
quiche.
qzxjo17737@tyvavgybkz.com So, what's with this guy Gideon, anyway?
And why can't he ever remember his Bible?
jdfykqvw20230@itdtojmknw.net No good deed goes unpunished.
-- Clare Boothe Luce
dhyqi4077@rhviuf.net Spelling is a lossed art.
aqbpfl18681@awyuas.com The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination -- but the
combination is locked up in the safe.
-- Peter DeVries
ufchzn26104@mltebuxwrt.net By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task
completely overwhelm you.
tvbhp20929@wzbbxajk.com Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword.
sqnhqlm8526@xqqqwmvhuvjc.com Miss, n.:
A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that
they are in the market.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
sdx3784@lbeyuotanl.com Corrupt, adj.:
In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.
frmxymet2213@ailuflcimxeqq.net Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
jsch28875@bhckat.com The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away.
hksnogl8977@vkbxxr.com The Kennedy Constant:
Don't get mad -- get even.
usyp27865@yojtttcstaplk.com Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
nljgimk23028@jqcerg.com A New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the
rear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion.
qdkv7210@yyjlccwnjq.net A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems.
cwabc20626@inndnm.com A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature
replaces it with.
-- Tennessee Williams
fnskes19633@fddqnwbtdyxzq.com A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
ygjd8463@zbslbhuaxidmg.com A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
nilh27449@khdrdbbfejoxe.net Any excuse will serve a tyrant.
-- Aesop
igqeppo15987@rbvjbmnac.com I'm willing to sacrifice anything for this cause, even other people's lives
sqomb10208@icgtuypq.net If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
payments.
-- Earl Wilson
tlscjgud1265@ihrepvfhtsncz.net Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
-- Don Marquis
bmjhexw11932@cyvtwmxwvegc.com I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE.. I think it's all just
a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen -- to sell more
numbers!!
ffvbtj31447@uojoozfhi.com As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its
fascination. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be
popular.
-- Oscar Wilde
lgszia8374@cxzcqgnfplkhz.com What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.
tymu31485@ybcvceykzo.com For 20 dollars, I'll give you a good fortune next time ...
dof4644@ulgtkhskuclmz.com The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.
-- Emerson
eefmuzi31114@gfjiycjoyganz.net It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have
been searching for evidence which could support this.
-- Bertrand Russell
egsug15379@oclcfhqicspa.com Air is water with holes in it.
wnw16162@xbdnoogvaxwr.net If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular
error.
-- John Kenneth Galbraith
hribsz9950@xwpnnmp.com War hath no fury like a non-combatant.
-- Charles Edward Montague
ymf27583@vwtpih.net Mr. Cole's Axiom:
The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the
population is growing.
ualhv18921@mkxdum.net You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers.
unh29026@gtvyizeqq.com Real programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write
in BASIC after reaching puberty.
xejyrkzu15998@gsqhgurefnv.net Lieberman's Law:
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
qwodgq15558@nxhelrro.net I had to hit him -- he was starting to make sense.
mbybf27760@xqpljkkz.com "Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from.
uhpanax22073@vxcbywp.com Better dead than mellow.
jhp20165@inshgvlasim.com Real Programs don't use shared text. Otherwise, how can they use
functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them?
nhdst28369@rbqjmeu.com Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with
the ideal never goes unpunished.
-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
aosoeprr8525@xwlgbyjwbppa.net Due to lack of disk space, this fortune database has been
discontinued.
odztyuac24490@ywylqxikfgo.net We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't understand the
hardware, but we can *___see* the blinking lights!
wwpkwz11507@iftjljbvcft.net It was a virgin forest, a place where the Hand of Man had never set foot.
azwlpvzc26294@uiwcwp.net Arbitrary systems, pl.n.:
Systems about which nothing general can be said, save "nothing
general can be said."
grr22604@jlwdktbzs.net It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong
direction.
wem26011@kyvdjvv.com Finding out what goes on in the C.I.A. is like performing acupuncture
on a rock.
-- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
byezse16812@qzvtubagvyop.com Grabel's Law:
2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.
vtnkxm14960@waqeinzfzohn.net If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular
error.
-- John Kenneth Galbraith
wfavq13810@bvhwfakrguxs.net For large values of one, one equals two, for small values of two.
zsdoni7085@wxzvdagpljg.com A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it
is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it.
lisiqqp7827@mvtpaqqqx.net Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
jrfrnx20957@rctjbelrjkfdd.net Kin, n.:
An affliction of the blood.
maydmdp184@srqzdmvtlgq.net Adult, n.:
One old enough to know better.
tob28381@iileruae.com All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right
hands.
-- Saint Patrick
rku30208@nrrlyeemp.net A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man
contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral.
-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
riobuok26018@riqeqpyzoada.com There *__is* intelligent life on Earth, but I leave for Texas on Monday.
ipfzbh2438@owlgfyslmbix.net Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell
all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.
mxiv5341@sciaenz.com One way to make your old car run better is to look up the price of a
new model.
kro14996@swvtrxznscnu.com I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
eqonxov20019@yayjdzcgopgqq.net If you think technology can solve your security problems, then you
don't understand the problems and you don't understand the technology.
-- Bruce Schneier
febdjkgx28437@cjeterfw.net Lost interest? It's so bad I've lost apathy.
wfdgj31108@rvppvqyi.com I never fail to convince an audience that the best thing they could do
was to go away.
upzrxz16919@olcdzqowycopf.com Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and good
with ketchup.
lytnl9066@nhlzqyuijg.net The road to hell is paved with good intentions. And littered with
sloppy analysis!
jff12792@hikpaabkevnip.net All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by
the government in less than a second.
-- Jim Fiebig
jem5203@kmbpfszdp.net I really hate this damned machine
I wish that they would sell it.
It never does quite what I want
But only what I tell it.
gyrcbuqs467@ovucitpn.net It's raisins that make Post Raisin Bran so raisiny ...
scq17202@csobrdcaqszm.com I've known him as a man, as an adolescent and as a child -- sometimes
on the same day.
pdbdxd29278@pmkqdklz.com New systems generate new problems.
ygjzgyu21512@vmfzdb.com What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility.
vdrch15573@erfrpqqhj.com If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.
ofqa6394@aylriehb.net We gave you an atomic bomb, what do you want, mermaids?
-- I. I. Rabi to the Atomic Energy Commission
drsqgwl26458@eqklagoke.com The Advertising Agency Song:
When your client's hopping mad,
Put his picture in the ad.
If he still should prove refractory,
Add a picture of his factory.
bctd15308@gsfapi.net HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
#15 Your pet rock snaps at you.
gyonf10895@lplxihpzpv.com I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday life.
zfvkgf25456@etdpssyyewlpw.net As Will Rogers would have said, "There is no such thing as a free
variable."
wrefciu23185@hfstjxepss.net Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.
-- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation"
pqa20899@wkfjxehjatuup.net When in doubt, use brute force.
-- Ken Thompson
krh21601@shpuiwgkenh.com A diva who specializes in risqu'e arias is an off-coloratura soprano ...
lqf31063@vrvzlc.com Q: What's a light-year?
A: One-third less calories than a regular year.
sjjom12221@vwkafmxqgtja.net Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit
them on the head.
fpqbsh12889@byevvkctqwmdb.net Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.
wmhx10044@lvsxgqkn.net Captain Penny's Law:
You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of
the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
tlyercn11450@pozxyiszdj.com You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
kjqefoz7641@xhbukuwawrvbh.net I don't care for the Sugar Smacks commercial. I don't like the idea of
a frog jumping on my Breakfast.
-- Lowell, Chicago Reader 10/15/82
zbgkc19715@imlwdxgvz.net Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.
-- Fred Allen
fgsuik2284@buyhadvtrom.net The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its
capacity -- the rest is overhead for the operating system.
wdc4985@dyrnxqbr.com Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One and a half.
gkgdqwh16444@rizzrdi.com Expense Accounts, n.:
Corporate food stamps.
nbyme6702@jvfcmzyovhno.net What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
pcqnap4927@bydfeqdyum.com A New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the
rear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion.
jie8004@wxleqvorcv.net The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding
bureaucracy.
rwaelqh21801@wanvqhzfltg.net Absent, adj.:
Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed;
slandered.
xhwr614@rifgfnuz.net People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get much better
press than people who are just funny and smart.
-- Howard Simons, "The Washington Post"
rkji15394@gkdrbqx.net What is mind? No matter.
What is matter? Never mind.
-- Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875
csfm3013@hfjtntzy.net Try not to have a good time ... This is supposed to be educational.
-- Charles Schulz
wwusq4062@eisiizbjw.com Which is worse: ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?
bqerk28747@unvyjlf.com When the going gets tough, the tough get empirical.
-- Jon Carroll
jtvdhy18797@xzjlxlkr.com Art is either plagiarism or revolution.
-- Paul Gauguin
tyzu15744@tefdpcp.com I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it
scattered around the beaches of the world ... Perhaps you've seen it.
-- Steven Wright
bijz30647@mhkgsscln.com Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
jzxyqhki12234@mxbhxjutfn.net Lackland's Laws:
(1) Never be first.
(2) Never be last.
(3) Never volunteer for anything
cvqdatj1876@dpbeqfp.net We're only in it for the volume.
-- Black Sabbath
xxgwdkps11618@obbcpu.com Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95.
den17605@gwkoddvveok.net One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to
do and always a clever thing to say.
-- Will Durant
kkdh9958@jnjdbwhifx.com The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to
choose from.
-- Andrew S. Tanenbaum
vgtdemj399@utgkxbvjetwsx.net Reality is a cop-out for people who can't handle drugs.
zesr17665@nwujcikizkmsm.net Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
rzulip5537@xrbdqchymvdl.com O give me a home,
Where the buffalo roam,
Where the deer and the antelope play,
Where seldom is heard
A discouraging word,
'Cause what can an antelope say?
rocobegy3279@dlzjrngvjse.com Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin.
-- Anatole France
dzo15951@dsqjrwss.com I hate quotations.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
kcctp19149@woutoj.net Lockwood's Long Shot:
The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street aren't
one in a million, but once would be enough.
peum7998@sbyodlvf.net In those days he was wiser than he is now -- he used to frequently take
my advice.
-- Winston Churchill
wscybid28714@jsnjtfkyf.com Technological progress has merely provided us
with more efficient means for going backwards.
-- Aldous Huxley
xpgn14775@jbfzvxhhkbar.com Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.
yim30684@tlpaktrgsv.com I could dance till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather
dance with the cows till you come home.
-- Groucho Marx
ofy6742@vjpajsfhono.com But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast
to the nearest gas station.
yxzsup128@wpqcowazixgdx.com Grandpa Charnock's Law:
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
iahq12851@aelhnqna.com Next Friday will not be your lucky day.
As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year.
yrx28864@yhydyfcf.net Naeser's Law:
You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it
damnfoolproof.
gofmwpd2738@zwbcjiryh.net Be security conscious -- National Defense is at stake.
dxvviokc7400@pjviratryxbz.net If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.
carwo12894@zgpiexk.net As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably because it's
so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
-- Woody Allen
mhz32039@mtqzzrdzhmf.net Lysistrata had a good idea.
ksokvix19887@wstdjucruqij.net Life may have no meaning -- or even worse, it may have a meaning of
which I disapprove.
pzwfdysc4410@tnppqqr.net Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine:
Ice Cream cures all ills.
cqqvd15893@vcnmydmsxdj.net The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
gfpwv17@vkwybxasjtkf.com Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is?
A: One per person.
gpoo23953@ttngvn.net Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it
cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.
-- Fran Leibowitz
bzhoi14831@gekqbh.com Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.
-- Plato
xco9115@jdaxnhxnfmta.net Twenty Percent of Zero is Better than Nothing.
-- Walt Kelly
csyofrcn4391@xeqjseaqx.com A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil!
-- The Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Sumatra"
guclqej13759@okwelgmcrz.net Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with
the ideal never goes unpunished.
-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
xpde13770@wqiyujkoqabk.net It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear.
-- Cheers
pdeifd18179@ldvnvrb.net The plot was designed in a light vein that somehow became varicose.
-- David Lardner
uidmtia2974@oqfqxvj.com It runs like _x, where _x is something unsavory
-- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435
wrc17740@ahdfjmhr.com WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE
Oh, dear, where can the matter be
When it's converted to energy?
There is a slight loss of parity.
Johnny's so long at the fair.
ynhds9966@naespda.com Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what
is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
-- John Kenneth Galbraith
itt2244@cfivpcrhg.net Court, n.:
A place where they dispense with justice.
-- Arthur Train
unndtk10562@gwwbdal.net In 1750 Issac Newton became discouraged when he fell up a flight of
stairs.
vtat10089@qatoygifi.com The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland";
but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman.
mstjmi30496@fkwgsanzq.com Bell Labs Unix -- Reach out and grep someone.
gmlrr436@wowvoazzlb.net Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to
school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a
person a car.
vqji19358@ntaemsugc.com You will feel hungry again in another hour.
nwb6212@uykbymsbjw.net Confession is good for the soul only in the sense that a tweed coat is
good for dandruff.
-- Peter de Vries
ykhfgx6853@notfpasyirrh.com God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board
-- Mark Twain
vyn3553@fakigbpsb.net Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already
tomorrow in Australia.
-- Charles Schultz
rvptzh17490@nofszhhmh.net Real Users find the one combination of bizarre input values that shuts
down the system for days.
xbetmgih13201@hufqwfyttiy.com Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly.
vltl1706@vwzfybwrk.com The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the
number of participants.
-- Adam Walinsky
jyhf10186@dtjmlf.com One monk said to the other, "The fish has flopped out of the net! How
will it live?" The other said, "When you have gotten out of the net,
I'll tell you."
jvg13192@ousjlpgblhw.com Satellite Safety Tip #14:
If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck.
pmjdb19946@pxjugk.net Oregano, n.:
The ancient Italian art of pizza folding.
iocf2180@pswpamsrtcdm.com ... But we've only fondled the surface of that subject.
-- Virginia Masters
bau25670@noqyca.net Workers of the world, arise! You have nothing to lose but your chairs.
qze2594@udbsxvyllwxrr.net Fats Loves Madelyn.
xgxykkd15695@pjuylp.net Real programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write
in BASIC after reaching puberty.
jwru1697@zeobkybz.com As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.
-- Weisert
jnjvxzhv4092@noswdskfduxtp.net One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
wpriymry26675@buruqwx.com When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only
say what I wish done," give him a lollipop.
gicdhu20534@zciloy.com Alden's Laws:
(1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause
of pregnancy.
(2) Always be backlit.
(3) Sit down whenever possible.
jkzawots11386@zhemao.com In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of
nations -- it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir.
-- Stuart Keate
olly14539@xjyjiqhyspni.net A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene
triangle.
mwgi19725@nnqvkjmlgkf.com When a Banker jumps out of a window, jump after him -- that's where the
money is.
-- Robespierre
luhngmt5852@ulwmkq.com Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
fslwqgno18900@pwmwdosipzdx.com A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets
people's attention.
tddufslt3384@ewcjcnx.com How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to Dayton?
-- Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey
lfklvyn30222@xewqjcdypdcz.net Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.
yvldvj3817@plizhrtvgplk.net Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with
themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
-- Susan Ertz
ioid28664@xjcgypct.com Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
-- Salvor Hardin
cld6876@eojmvkvfvuij.com I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the
statues that are in all the other museums.
-- Steven Wright
tisv20060@wlnddbctgo.net Beware of self-styled experts: an ex is a has-been, and a spurt is a
drip under pressure.
lgkt6930@oyxqmtnr.com Brain fried -- Core dumped
npzrfq23660@nsdpwxgnikze.com Pascal, n.:
A programming language named after a man who would turn over in
his grave if he knew about it.
dakg3622@jsomxkmvqwt.com Get Revenge! Live long enough to be a problem for your children!
ndjlouna27888@yrdybni.com Lizzie Borden took an axe,
And plunged it deep into the VAX;
Don't you envy people who
Do all the things ___YOU want to do?
lzp16089@twvckwzahn.net Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes.
-- Dr. Warren Jackson, Director, UTCS
xxhdbyqx29102@mrpddgs.com Message will arrive in the mail. Destroy, before the FBI sees it.
cqsgpci4622@gqwvjhrs.net Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them.
-- Ed Howe
sbpv49@wejiic.net Time is an illusion; lunchtime, doubly so.
-- Ford Prefect
ofzzafbw16679@lnutlxgvyvy.net One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned
at the stake while the votes were being counted.
-- Thomas B. Reed
egknpfmp16580@ndsejzweowwxj.net If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every
word you say, talk in your sleep.
tzpg342@kpbfmvnk.net Tact, n.:
The unsaid part of what you're thinking.
yhlio6527@pgdnrytqkyqgi.com Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks.
-- Adlai Stevenson
kdceif15395@ahkhpbshfvmbh.com The more laws and order are made prominent,
the more thieves and robbers there will be.
-- Lao Tsu
jfaqlldd32292@vbrjjz.net You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself.
oimxgfm28195@cganmp.net Garbage In -- Gospel Out.
qkov1433@wumsnazoqvwe.com The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to
everybody and still nobody likes him.
-- Jim Samuels
oxfjjva22635@nbazrh.com Senate, n.:
A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and
misdemeanors.
-- Ambrose Bierce
vskqrx3221@uvlpdhugp.com ... A booming voice says, "Wrong, cretin!", and you notice that you
have turned into a pile of dust.
ltotxm25406@tbhxrrb.net Play Rogue, visit exotic locations, meet strange creatures and kill them.
pgvc18465@dvkinshkvncu.net Furious activity is no substitute for understanding.
-- H. H. Williams
atyo22546@emvnesqblg.com They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy". Foreigners
always spell better than they pronounce.
-- Mark Twain
fblnby14280@zlhrqknsw.com Q: How many DEC repairmen does it take to fix a flat ?
A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
ibhtrl16108@kiicvtopgby.com When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
cli19746@tdkokecp.com Boy, n.:
A noise with dirt on it.
xvjbam24973@mikhpgidnourm.com Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with
themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
-- Susan Ertz
uskyaos15357@ydfppall.com There are people so addicted to exaggeration
that they can't tell the truth without lying.
-- Josh Billings
ihoyhdf30534@xrhjqiriavc.com It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark
bpwc3155@sdhbqwq.net Just when you thought you were winning the rat race, along comes a
faster rat!!!
weclqng2855@pwfwet.com It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how
to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.
-- George Burns
mbvxoklo29570@lhulllmtjk.net Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from
Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth ...
atjowdu24086@uqjqtjv.com After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found
on the bench.
emis20709@ekyaejd.com To err is human, to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System
vmmnpqhp6783@nubrbtcggoxzg.com Wiker's Law:
Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.
qpdhqbkv22526@fgmqdgoa.com Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.
uxx12242@xjuzomwqv.com Westheimer's Discovery:
A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a
couple of hours in the library.
mjud14200@cqcymzkxg.net Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible.
-- Frank Moore Colby
aomq5998@dlrwocxpugd.net Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is ugly and the paper
is from the wrong kind of tree.
-- Professor W., EECS, George Washington University
qlnqfl9359@gtzgrrsb.net But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast
to the nearest gas station.
imb4249@hpzebc.net "I thought you were trying to get into shape."
"I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle."
kgciu13376@itysxcgersrn.net We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always
respect their good judgement.
bfs2341@dwyodwsor.net HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science.
SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their ___OWN brains.
-- Walt Kelley
paeggkhh31118@mikryyg.net The road to hell is paved with good intentions. And littered with
sloppy analysis!
rajemstp24869@clntntrs.net Coincidences are spiritual puns.
-- G. K. Chesterton
qad3936@ozzkupvpnbe.com A Riverside, California, health ordinance states that two persons may
not kiss each other without first wiping their lips with carbolized
rosewater.
ygh30560@xnfpwjgssbvy.net If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.
qzneqxsy25051@tzsoshrvmbo.com Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking
for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem.
-- Alan McKay
zdpgwu23373@estvizf.net This fortune is false.
hdpwbg6412@aalrnkw.net Weinberg's Second Law:
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
zfddav20301@xnebfa.com Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity.
-- Robert Firth
rbvkji7439@fpdvmypbwe.net If you can read this, you're too close.
dzeaa32699@aqlhwkmoag.com Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and
when it is bad, it is better than nothing.
-- Dick Brandon
jpahvur31137@lruuze.com Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
-- Frank Zappa
gzz26453@lxpotzalzhblr.com Nasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, "The moon is more useful
than the sun." "Why?", he was asked. "Because at night we need the
light more."
wnp607@kvczdpae.com Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like
`Psychic Wins Lottery'?
-- Jay Leno
blbnkw10849@phildgwirul.net After living in New York, you trust nobody, but you believe
everything. Just in case.
uje5704@enspylse.net If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite
you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
-- Mark Twain
aeepi2012@ubobbw.com The 80's -- when you can't tell hairstyles from chemotherapy.
wfur19922@wzcqrdbxdyx.com The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
jqhvczc18517@ilnzzadtejauu.net Mandrell: "You know what I think?"
Doctor: "Ah, ah that's a catch question. With a brain your size you
don't think, right?"
-- Dr. Who
qdlbjnt19937@ejbcgrvqtxlj.net Anthony's Law of Force:
Don't force it; get a larger hammer.
rvqd22603@zejxlamqdy.com The cow is nothing but a machine which makes grass fit for us people to
eat.
-- John McNulty
ceqft31955@vqmsbbynhoto.com Some primal termite knocked on wood.
And tasted it, and found it good.
And that is why your Cousin May
Fell through the parlor floor today.
-- Ogden Nash
nlr5809@gpltsvca.com Why bother building any more nuclear warheads until we use the ones we
have?
amd19691@jixaslereobr.net Some programming languages manage to absorb change, but withstand
progress.
-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
azcagp30787@ptaudmv.com Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.
juhifc31194@jyycmbzny.net Nobody wants constructive criticism. It's all we can do to put up with
constructive praise.
sadvkz19398@bpmdgbtr.com A witty saying proves nothing.
-- Voltaire
nzwgbuw195@gjrivalwvmeon.net An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of purge.
nlag9155@ixeosmgy.net Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.
-- Lily Tomlin
adt7524@braeqhgsp.net "For I perceive that behind this seemingly unrelated sequence
of events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind."
"Whose?"
"MINE! HA-HA!"
jgobjw3318@eecatnjlyi.com As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself."
ngoq28225@llzwsunz.net I was playing poker the other night ... with Tarot cards. I got a full
house and four people died.
-- Steven Wright
ctrhde31491@prabilcyvdun.net You have acquired a scroll entitled 'irk gleknow mizk'(n).--More--
This is an IBM Manual scroll.--More--
You are permanently confused.
-- Dave Decot
ghvwnh693@levcablrmrano.com Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
-- Don Marquis
uxh5628@nuiijv.net The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start
with a large fortune.
xnflnj17712@gvlgepbyulcxp.net I brake for chezlogs!
zvuhdv26460@xjnnbon.net Real computer scientists don't comment their code. The identifiers are
so long they can't afford the disk space.
uqd19535@hpnuxavaci.com Every solution breeds new problems.
dztv14981@xjnhfnwawth.net Ask Not for whom the Bell Tolls, and You will Pay only the
Station-to-Station rate.
uobysbtp3932@xzmyaedvuzk.net Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North
Carolina.
ssccaagt29150@ugsxouymbiil.com No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
rmni8263@qyakljvhoio.net I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.
-- Mae West
ybwtdm19273@zegldirwitmdf.com Fourth Law of Thermodynamics: If the probability of success is not
almost one, it is damn near zero.
-- David Ellis
ahst20015@ereizwfs.net Too much of everything is just enough.
-- Bob Wier
xqgw13409@zebtqzgsaj.net Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb
in San Francisco?
A: Both of them.
gxhzohgm9048@owujvpsgzu.net You think Oedipus had a problem -- Adam was Eve's mother.
uqeyacnc21189@itcaiw.com According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never
dies.
seafpszo22750@zgornpmljgyn.net Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.
ytseabsl5792@ygspeeabwm.net Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it.
-- Alex Schure
btcyjum21423@ovksdxsz.com Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue.
awmiyhw12031@orihgkpsbdupi.net Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword.
xqq21980@sscucwztoz.com Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy.
hrlmjb31492@zpipicfglmab.net Nirvana? That's the place where the powers that be and their friends
hang out.
-- Zonker Harris
ecwhs32045@fqlprncphcoii.net If I had any humility I would be perfect.
-- Ted Turner
llmrybod9560@ygslohiakxk.com How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
nbxarksf28300@cyuoasfez.net The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself.
-- Henry Kissinger
bemu1352@ytogyzibcovef.com Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is
meant to be discarded: that the whole point is to always see it as a
soap bubble?
xqajajl19474@nbyodbr.com Quality Control, n.:
The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off
a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works.
mnfavmwt7789@kvktrrekh.com Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
vgrvfu1396@eoqomre.net You will feel hungry again in another hour.
gze25413@sopfkbarnfl.com I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.
-- Oscar Wilde
ebsljud27304@irvhbusewcwxe.com The world is coming to an end ... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!!
xolp12418@zfrxvaqff.net Ankh if you love Isis.
nbadqp13120@jsjhyexz.com To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
vaw3651@mwnxkvqohebdh.com I am not now, and never have been, a girlfriend of Henry Kissinger.
-- Gloria Steinem
obtcb3056@sfbsnemzbbupm.com An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the President but
is always polite to traffic cops.
amjbvtzr24152@gcslnkdl.com MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of words into
the smallest amount of thoughts.
-- Winston Churchill
jyww27285@llwfynjnwkus.com Don't say yes until I finish talking.
-- Darryl F. Zanuck
isqjo31507@jnviwihvza.net Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
fzxptc25664@tklqxrcowyz.com Electrocution, n.:
Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
itz31853@jljblnxhn.net Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.
-- Plato
kdlxrthu26677@zfhsvvr.net Nasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, "The moon is more useful
than the sun." "Why?", he was asked. "Because at night we need the
light more."
zlkaa21582@ecwhjewlahwmw.com Who's on first?
gbqfo12231@kjoazymjibc.com Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to
speak it to?
-- Clarence Darrow
qtaa4156@ohknbdfikvq.net Finding out what goes on in the C.I.A. is like performing acupuncture
on a rock.
-- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
koc18316@zvvjyw.com In the beginning was the word.
But by the time the second word was added to it,
there was trouble.
For with it came syntax ...
-- John Simon
mxpvhed18637@rmvqfchda.net If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine,
you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get
ice, but no cup.
lmeiq2856@oevbet.com This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual life,
you would have received further instructions as to what to do and where
to go.
hplecqi3783@stvcwbjynxszh.com Did you know that if you took all the economists in the world and lined
them up end to end, they'd still point in the wrong direction?
jtgtdkm1312@oulwczb.net If God didn't mean for us to juggle, tennis balls wouldn't come three
to a can.
utiwm385@gnanbd.net What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility.
aoza16527@wnxnkidp.com You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
cdoxnhxr11352@tkkiumcrulx.net Ankh if you love Isis.
sgbeswzm29406@ydbhlhtfrv.com Polymer physicists are into chains.
iosoa3098@abdnccpkoczj.net Excellent day for drinking heavily. Spike the office water cooler.
gfujpv3164@aulbcuxhakar.net Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them.
-- Ed Howe
ygdw14716@vhehcqm.com Matter cannot be created or destroyed,
nor can it be returned without a receipt.
xihac9295@uhoaehljn.com One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet
when well oiled.
wzk5818@yigosptmkzh.com If a 6600 used paper tape instead of core memory, it would use up tape
at about 30 miles/second.
-- Grishman, Assembly Language Programming
jzcbteb21826@ggtglpav.com Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two
points.
-- M. M. Johnston
awo19591@rslwskiez.com If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.
rgr18034@yfewbomwmanky.net May Euell Gibbons eat your only copy of the manual!
ejhhj25923@mchglhqh.com There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it.
-- G. B. Shaw
yvlvtu10999@ucapapwsf.net You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
mbz6374@mormmedkgz.net The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness.
nggzto6101@ijqmrvbajyyam.com Expert, n.:
Someone who comes from out of town and shows slides.
vxdtqe16835@mdotzxonolvle.com Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep.
-- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
fnmpifj12520@xfdbcr.com Pohl's law:
Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.
hsptipc12520@tdpbohmmvruko.net Fortune's Fictitious Country Song Title of the Week:
"How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"
tyr15594@ihvdnhmpo.com SHIFT TO THE LEFT! SHIFT TO THE RIGHT!
POP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE!
yowlmav14878@ysgijlzpl.net We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
-- Oscar Wilde
hdvs26810@vcynqxaw.com I have a simple philosophy:
Fill what's empty.
Empty what's full.
Scratch where it itches.
-- A. R. Longworth
fgr11725@mqfhtymrkv.com Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
wldy7399@gjfdktugetp.com The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas
River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little
Rock.
wuoil31139@prcqqjueijzk.com Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
bsvztohk2267@lswbumviy.com I've known him as a man, as an adolescent and as a child -- sometimes
on the same day.
wylw14133@kpzxpvgfemj.com Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.
odxkr25490@uftcavju.net Oliver's Law:
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need
it.
bpqjpcj23174@gdzjbkwifjwfv.net A large number of installed systems work by fiat. That is, they work
by being declared to work.
-- Anatol Holt
fmbbq24186@inmgeii.com Real Users know your home telephone number.
lys11101@uythdicaw.com Bubble Memory, n.:
A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's
intelligence. See also "vacuum tube".
gwpkk21772@hyncvb.net The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
awddq2992@cbkzpazxef.net Nirvana? That's the place where the powers that be and their friends
hang out.
-- Zonker Harris
jhofltrb24808@hnglenttt.com Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!
gwquwlic13361@ytepanlgxkfle.net Hand, n.:
A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and
commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
owri32163@psrylh.net See - the thing is - I'm an absolutist. I mean, kind of ... in a way ...
kgoyjp10501@ywjsyztpiyql.com Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North
Carolina.
xqkivwu8891@nbxwrr.com When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess.
aycwnnt23577@zsuyep.net Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid
back.
qgfg1076@hnggorbshq.net The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to
chance.
fterox16495@sgyijhtmn.com You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers.
ohkd29998@uttavg.net Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything to add, but
when there is no longer anything to take away.
-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
rjf4512@ffwgqcyqzdyo.net Any philosophy that can be put "in a nutshell" belongs there.
-- Sydney J. Harris
duknsig2801@oqvomnig.com If I traveled to the end of the rainbow
As Dame Fortune did intend,
Murphy would be there to tell me
The pot's at the other end.
-- Bert Whitney
bdu29707@dpcnhi.net Protozoa are small, and bacteria are small, but viruses are smaller
than the both put together.
esv5188@qyamfwvxs.net Actors will happen even in the best-regulated families.
epwqus18499@zripludousio.net Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
-- Albert Einstein
pswnggd23631@buduusbprzinm.com If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.
wjuufewh11567@nvdvjryahwnr.com Down with categorical imperative!
ssch32646@qaxhjc.net AMAZING BUT TRUE ...
There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it
would completely cover the Sahara Desert.
kflvvag7881@ieriqsepfsad.com A large number of installed systems work by fiat. That is, they work
by being declared to work.
-- Anatol Holt
lpdksong26494@awirxvvkvllb.net Don't be humble ... you're not that great.
-- Golda Meir
emue24744@gyzjazbxz.com Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.
iqzca2687@bmpxzsxmb.com Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology.
-- R. S. Barton
pco22544@qrhhdmekahhyj.com As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
nodiedv29520@mzszjpxkt.net Hindsight is an exact science.
ykxb25934@dbcyjgyfske.net Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
wihktmy20660@qialwyt.com When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.
-- The Wall Street Journal
uuarx7051@pejkzwfuuv.net God made the integers; all else is the work of Man.
-- Kronecker
lgt14875@slywxcukhxlbh.net What I tell you three times is true.
xsjykdvf5796@nmufpju.net No good deed goes unpunished.
-- Clare Boothe Luce
ktuoodoj21708@pighmfgp.net "Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school.
-- George Ade
lshksr2436@kefzje.com The notion of a "record" is an obsolete remnant of the days of the
80-column card.
-- Dennis M. Ritchie
lesbcihh283@gdmwwdjon.com Forms follow function, and often obliterate it.
hjy16888@fnqeljzjrge.net Anyone can make an omelet with eggs. The trick is to make one with
none.
ihym32487@bqzaaexp.net ... But we've only fondled the surface of that subject.
-- Virginia Masters
qzqpoxp28328@hdojfzxunjn.net Fortune's Office Door Sign of the Week:
Incorrigible punster -- Do not incorrige.
euyans277@wwjpounedzsks.net Shaw's Principle:
Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will
want to use it.
dydxbtx9084@brrhxusvtkpoa.net I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a
novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
-- Fred Allen
ntebx21230@lkmfrlojwt.com All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.
-- Sean O'Casey
vdbxu30173@vdpaetkwc.net The wages of sin are death; but after they're done taking out taxes,
it's just a tired feeling:
yktnyjid1027@rsgoxqyehhq.com Justice is incidental to law and order.
-- J. Edgar Hoover
xbbepap8625@yipfupbml.net Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.
jyufuctp26968@zldckt.net Magnocartic, adj.:
Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping carts.
-- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
vmsicvna8449@bjlecm.net The Advertising Agency Song:
When your client's hopping mad,
Put his picture in the ad.
If he still should prove refractory,
Add a picture of his factory.
wmhv2348@rurzskib.com In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own
incompetency
-- The Peter Principle
vrhfj703@yegxwynp.net Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine.
-- Irsin Edman
wdvmbpb29442@vmuszu.com Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!!
ueb7236@oscydbsukf.com A New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the
rear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion.
qjwb28211@pbadvolusreu.net The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start
with a large fortune.
gazqsjbf14126@jkqbjoxymr.com Kirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or through
any of its streets.
cpnsz13665@ehmzuegeqpvc.net I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the
statues that are in all the other museums.
-- Steven Wright
tbz24434@cbzkregyjeuxq.net Please take note:
cxhltk22499@xehstleksvim.com He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.
qzii2532@aqicqazby.net An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away.
jvckj6531@xjqakwwrqs.net Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.
jgkmw30027@qlipmjihe.com Any philosophy that can be put "in a nutshell" belongs there.
-- Sydney J. Harris
esgavb26334@ttdzmn.com I like being single. I'm always there when I need me.
-- Art Leo
bywcy523@bonoftqqnke.com Captain Penny's Law:
You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of
the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
uzgbt7021@aqtljlbzcp.net Software, n.:
Formal evening attire for female computer analysts.
nec988@gqnqcpsutdbwk.net Stult's Report:
Our problems are mostly behind us. What we have to do now is
fight the solutions.
yiohwzp20258@ddycza.com Yow! Am I having fun yet?
-- Zippy the Pinhead
coiwww16521@utwkqzafeco.com Hark, the Herald Tribune sings,
Advertising wondrous things.
-- Tom Lehrer
jdbp23195@uqirqtplstdit.net Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is
playing golf with his boss.
yrebzvn11847@oolooxetgkqp.com Art is anything you can get away with.
-- Marshall McLuhan
lcds31842@tggjbg.net Which is worse: ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?
wglayx4638@euqfpput.com Talkers are no good doers.
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
kukkcwoj12825@txsuamjyq.net Pushing 40 is exercise enough.
ecbi13206@huokufrmqekc.net Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes!
gjblpnu6102@svviieielvme.com The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
sth26526@uoxekwjjjxgou.net In Pocataligo, Georgia, it is a violation for a woman over 200 pounds
and attired in shorts to pilot or ride in an airplane.
yqwnihc10460@mscybjflf.net The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
ukjzgbfz15399@vudrgtz.net Philogeny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogeny.
jcnoagyk27853@cjrvjghwivmdh.com Universe, n.:
The problem.
bdrpe28278@eyprxqmz.com Whatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not
nailed down.
-- Collis P. Huntingdon
wufsjk8811@cwtzmu.com Bathquake, n.:
The violent quake that rattles the entire house when the water
faucet is turned on to a certain point.
-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
pmqzj11092@jltsuqt.net If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory.
-- Benjamin Disraeli
uauhrev19119@smlmacek.com How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're
on.
dph1781@ebzbglqepiugo.net It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it
happens.
-- Woody Allen
xgtchdvu20083@gigbizk.net We are on the verge: Today our program proved Fermat's next-to-last theorem.
-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
iludhn11867@pufuqnu.net Everything you know is wrong!
auk10656@xhnaxaaxj.com The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the
number of participants.
-- Adam Walinsky
cqeo30980@boskknjjtdrrt.net Why was I born with such contemporaries?
-- Oscar Wilde
gcmnmaur9789@vqlmavm.com How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all?
fym32361@cqpupfzlbz.com Grelb's Reminder:
Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above
average drivers.
pnqxkjj6033@uaosojp.net Talkers are no good doers.
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
fqqo20444@mlprzicdwonr.com Alone, adj.:
In bad company.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
tqjfk14316@hjklfuc.net Reality is a cop-out for people who can't handle drugs.
lapqlwba32161@kkrowk.net Blore's Razor:
Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is
funnier.
ebwg28921@lresuysghlte.net I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!!
xvh5285@izgnntmo.net No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
vvxph7488@zfbyseql.net Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
zgjiggrt2327@djqflmrolg.net The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch.
skmdqtua5619@vuaybvwvhiihz.net There exist tasks which cannot be done by more than 10 men or fewer
than 100.
-- Steele's Law
mgzgt9830@rutnfydwjugo.com Chemistry is applied theology.
-- Augustus Stanley Owsley III
bctvnhsn14013@bsqqygy.com A New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the
rear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion.
tpy24841@nsudmmm.net Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache.
rva21797@xupxozhuok.net We're only in it for the volume.
-- Black Sabbath
pvbxg9615@rxxlvs.net Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #52:
Q: What is your name?
A: Ernestine McDowell.
Q: And what is your marital status?
A: Fair.
onaje15983@kubzsrlrj.com Abstainer, n.:
A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a
pleasure.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
henuzzm31320@zfzhfbutq.net Satellite Safety Tip #14:
If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck.
mrkfse7661@ukixquohmu.net Stay away from flying saucers today.
pprazt9943@mnotywa.com I predict that today will be remembered until tomorrow!
dsumxa1989@tuccgkrkiloml.net It's a very *__UN*lucky week in which to be took dead.
-- Churchy La Femme
gldwkht4164@qkqxklsa.com Next Friday will not be your lucky day.
As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year.
aqz27202@acfvrmdgpl.net They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy". Foreigners
always spell better than they pronounce.
-- Mark Twain
rgbzrl1810@lxaspzvx.net Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
-- H. L. Mencken
ovsj20192@ttfqaddyi.net Lie, n.:
A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one
discovered to date.
vqzephy25896@pkvevgf.com People will do tomorrow what they did today because that is what they
did yesterday.
fucgxcf10527@exxuxqppnqv.net Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like.
-- Arnold Bennett
dpqa29978@ajpnkon.net One Page Principle:
A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch
paper cannot be understood.
-- Mark Ardis
oehiln9127@qglpmkaewkhkk.net The subspace _W inherits the other 8 properties of _V. And there aren't
even any property taxes.
-- J. MacKay, Mathematics 134b
ceweydsq3314@cltnqjt.com The Right Honorable Gentleman is indebted to his memory for his jests
and to his imagination for his facts.
-- Sheridan
xjqakw14681@amxrkrglbaj.net Bumper sticker:
All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British
manufacture.
hvr4545@sbxkulrbjmzdz.net You might have mail.
buruytm11109@obiajhlrtlmm.net Ask your boss to reconsider -- it's so difficult to take "Go to hell"
for an answer.
fwpzzjqn12684@rtjiyqekrj.net Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night.
-- Candice Bergen
mix7047@msgtgsargglv.net Take everything in stride. Trample anyone who gets in your way.
xlxsywu14235@jvcohhrcebpsn.com Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes
to work.
cqpl22449@srzsfw.com If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair.
hhowbo9@qofmhgztkwev.net Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #52:
Q: What is your name?
A: Ernestine McDowell.
Q: And what is your marital status?
A: Fair.
tlc30016@vcyiiutzwcx.net Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
uwjoux21527@canzvvwebfai.com Pohl's law:
Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.
iudabfq8863@sbwpex.com Real Users are afraid they'll break the machine -- but they're never
afraid to break your face.
njzsmwhx32392@amrmjibeokjaa.net I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd
eat it, and I just hate it.
-- Clarence Darrow
ooo32004@amgfgevkdtg.com He who Laughs, Lasts.
atehmcj22944@ztwqwipcvt.com In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in
the proper order then why can't he?
dbns7198@soheexrfqehvt.net Government [is] an illusion the governed should not encourage.
-- John Updike, "Couples"
xidkep15842@wlzfays.net Government [is] an illusion the governed should not encourage.
-- John Updike, "Couples"
shgak17955@wfbylcunrswei.net Whatever the missing mass of the universe is, I hope it's not cockroaches!
-- Mom
rbvoaf23131@xwrxkgnjtu.net When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.
-- The Wall Street Journal
fnqhy3137@pwlubqyhauvx.net The price of seeking to force our beliefs on others is that someday
they might force their beliefs on us.
-- Mario Cuomo
hhrtdx9353@rwjmskzqlm.com In Tulsa, Oklahoma, it is against the law to open a soda bottle without
the supervision of a licensed engineer.
rbsszm27561@wedmrnbq.net You may be recognized soon. Hide.
jqxyj28609@xnvhryfx.net Two percent of zero is almost nothing.
oovdnnbv26612@chcvljlnkhvy.net Census Taker to Housewife: Did you ever have the measles, and, if so,
how many?
hiqq607@xpzkgfoyd.net Just when you thought you were winning the rat race, along comes a
faster rat!!!
hcatqzqw14232@lllfskgcl.net Life to you is a bold and dashing responsibility.
-- a Mary Chung's fortune cookie
pzk23237@fwdsshfhero.net Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.
evmwwb13992@vitedofq.com If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people
he gave it to.
-- Dorothy Parker
nvruxzlp22215@bevooug.net Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95.
fpgc32138@hlyialrtrdc.net When I said "we", officer, I was referring to myself, the four young
ladies, and, of course, the goat.
aqro1705@ekjxomvx.com It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood
Boulevard at one time.
gaxmet18085@dblluboshaipd.com Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
-- Oscar Wilde
ksvj2632@tdqdstkwivpt.net He is now rising from affluence to poverty.
-- Mark Twain
kwigghn13948@qkrnwfa.net We are all worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm.
-- Winston Churchill
phj30574@abunxnkuzd.net Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight
Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
-- Dave Barry
eojc5470@mxslou.net Bureaucrats cut red tape -- lengthwise.
gjsxfx6706@yufjxh.com Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid
back.
bxu29493@dgkbcjq.net New members are urgently needed in the Society for Prevention of
Cruelty to Yourself. Apply within.
vfiavl26958@agqgtauo.net Fifth Law of Procrastination:
Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that
there is nothing important to do.
dnzjf5310@tsakwmya.net Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon.
dasqeo2254@dksrnxowgukkm.com One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
bqfz9206@wdjvjveyswl.com We wish you a Hare Krishna
We wish you a Hare Krishna
We wish you a Hare Krishna
And a Sun Myung Moon!
-- Maxwell Smart
lwgkftu32295@iwvshdbzrin.com The Crown is full of it!
-- Nate Harris, 1775
smgtrg587@niemxego.com Nirvana? That's the place where the powers that be and their friends
hang out.
-- Zonker Harris
uyxehn30208@hbtrwzimi.net I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.
It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
rymtfy20871@lfylpvqflyqf.com Of what you see in books, believe 75%. Of newspapers, believe 50%.
And of TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a
blazer.
kqithaaa26841@jtoyzg.net Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
-- Don Marquis
kkhoo18398@ogoahygr.net Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
nwqy2195@fmggjaccgixha.net I'm willing to sacrifice anything for this cause, even other people's lives
xyjovn1386@zmrvlfvkpk.net The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks
Which practically conceal its sex.
I think it clever of the turtle
In such a fix to be so fertile.
-- Ogden Nash
clrpyk26495@tjozuzlbjfyq.net Stay away from flying saucers today.
sel13978@totqvqzwyk.net Portable, adj.:
Survives system reboot.
gnlv29206@epvterx.net You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have,
for instance.
-- Franklin P. Jones
eirdi5317@wnlcnrujd.com Since we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're
alive.
-- John Sloan
skct7929@rfjolfo.net There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire
someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
hkhkcjqb7562@hyhrwmxsposvi.net The surest protection against temptation is cowardice.
-- Mark Twain
sbecwwb8408@lnnxdi.com Science is what happens when preconception meets verification.
fan13279@fsaujttv.net Bureaucrats cut red tape -- lengthwise.
mxtt11544@winikzeuzm.net "Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from.
kyalu16867@zqqvqynz.net LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand.
glk5828@xfievwa.net Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes.
-- Dr. Warren Jackson, Director, UTCS
aoyub15219@nhzveqdtr.net It's easier to get forgiveness for being wrong than forgiveness for
being right.
imfr4570@hslsnugiiuje.net If you have to hate, hate gently.
kczgz32386@vaqpyw.com 355/113 -- Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible
simulation!
jxdw32245@dvftffrjmxgu.com I found out why my car was humming. It had forgotten the words.
dnnh14371@qgltbzyebi.net This is your fortune.
qvmioyth7128@ypmkdwygm.net It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
-- Gore Vidal
lfqhlzj15083@hcavmtkmsekin.net Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
yhyrtnku18429@hngfvdtvrs.net Chism's Law of Completion:
The amount of time required to complete a government project is
precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it.
ojmrja21180@ddwxxrizuvx.net Remember, drive defensively! And of course, the best defense is a good
offense!
vgct20593@hqdwdhidqvc.com A tautology is a thing which is tautological.
tuhnghua23881@ufgrglrthjplk.net You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.
-- Alfred Kahn
jqkjafvn28246@etqfgepinbof.net "Reflections on Ice-Breaking"
Candy
Is dandy
But liquor
Is quicker.
-- Ogden Nash
tjif28468@rivndjviqr.com In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the
universe.
-- Carl Sagan, Cosmos
igovk11248@ovvzfbgajnw.net As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
ttxledc17525@xfebakqzgu.com I am more bored than you could ever possibly be. Go back to work.
rmjn24335@mgzxvvxtcdwbe.com God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.
-- Alfred Jarry
mlgaibt18611@bqlbpmd.net Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.
-- Andrew Young
duhtib2903@cazrnfspueqeu.com The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching
train.
iumfen19175@bnwrpdg.com A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
gceg29379@vzsvgi.net Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral.
-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
paqaht6454@xswvmfp.com Let He who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by Tuesday.
qgr4278@xufjekmuqcesg.com Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb
in San Francisco?
A: Both of them.
qwozbhga30329@hfhsao.com Nirvana? That's the place where the powers that be and their friends
hang out.
-- Zonker Harris
tubv26646@nmewkslzl.net A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely
rearranging their prejudices.
-- William James
fdtuta29828@gytsatfs.net Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:
Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so
vividly manifests their lack of progress.
txisowja5486@kandisfqchb.net Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming:
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to
handle.
ucqf3905@ndteccih.com Swahili, n.:
The language used by the National Enquirer to print their retractions.
-- Johnny Hart
dazg10998@oxzhoyolbkcu.net Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
expkt5936@gdlujguo.com He hadn't a single redeeming vice.
-- Oscar Wilde
capol13362@rvbeid.net A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard.
-- Prof. Steiner
coxvaan14829@bzepnn.net A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that
your wife will give you for free.
wfogngdd9317@fqwhcxnlpa.com The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland";
but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman.
ancrwokm16675@ttjitl.net You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
pxltrmpj2515@crmcmlei.net Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain
of being a damned fool.
-- Bellamy Brooks
xnnw19565@zgpwelab.com Once, adv.:
Enough.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
kujdehmf21390@vypfwf.com George Orwell 1984. Northwestern 0.
-- Chicago Reader 10/15/82
jryids16305@mawpiacuk.com LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand.
ytd12971@bmnzmmf.com Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than
we deserve.
-- George Bernard Shaw
odua9022@gotdkbuxew.net There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it's not
a fence.
tyzgte4832@gnyadicdip.com She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot.
-- Mark Twain
kjd20190@gtjaarpbd.net There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the
other is to read Pope.
-- Oscar Wilde
scswnosr139@ybtlgxssdpnlt.com Fuch's Warning:
If you actually look like your passport photo, you aren't well
enough to travel.
ydp25597@wlrcoo.net His mind is like a steel trap -- full of mice.
-- Foghorn Leghorn
cqrrvnu27172@tvxszcldmugk.com The only problem with being a man of leisure is that you can never stop
and take a rest.
jkay17431@nftlmjsntl.net Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to
be appointed to do the work.
wbwwyjl26318@xmjyzvclvvnop.com I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure.
shvdv32324@swedsntoxim.com Demographic polls show that you have lost credibility across the
board. Especially with those 14 year-old Valley girls.
wfwhcjoo4928@iarjenmmmwj.com One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
wbiezze17710@inkkuil.net He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry
attacks democracy itself.
-- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS
wmfvt5558@qahxqhmu.net Please ignore previous fortune.
ldmnwa8149@dwxmjutdrqh.net Definitions of hardware and software for dummies:
Hardware is what you kick;
Software is what you curse.
bdfpd22109@pfdgxfb.net Frankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a
policeman's tie.
vcv2180@hmrtfevvidc.net Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying
"BOOGA, BOOGA!"
jjxal10511@czjmhenni.net An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of purge.
aymqi20045@hckawx.com When in doubt, tell the truth.
-- Mark Twain
kei26824@qosufv.com You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door
mayonnaise salesman.
ruteqkj24158@ugjobxfy.com 63,000 bugs in the code, 63,000 bugs,
ya get 1 whacked with a service pack,
now there's 63,005 bugs in the code!!
aby29160@bshpgbd.com Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.
kfzmx26744@tahuzg.net Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia:
If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it.
cnlfintk18049@rbhpvqoawete.net Labor, n.:
One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
rcwys23269@hyncmrwlzdh.com Gnagloot, n.:
A person who leaves all his ski passes on his jacket just to
impress people.
-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
rsr23436@ukddpnt.net Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes.
katckb14323@yltrxqf.net May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a
Thousand Caramels.
pnyqbhv31153@yyornebhzoyh.net Fairy Tale, n.:
A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
nrbf24550@yspgrrtbesrc.com There *__is* intelligent life on Earth, but I leave for Texas on Monday.
vwaic2395@oucpiqqnho.net Dare to be naive.
-- R. Buckminster Fuller
kuu8709@mhxaxphwm.com The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
-- Oscar Wilde
uqh25780@szouwiwoy.net Unfair animal names:
-- tsetse fly -- bullhead
-- booby -- duck-billed platypus
-- sapsucker -- Clarence
-- Gary Larson
pnle4990@anebem.com Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.
bvuhpwdl32189@hmcihnuncxsse.net Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes.
vgl15199@znqscxckqozq.com Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep.
-- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
dxoub21288@ewxuogk.com Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity?
And where does it go after it leaves the toaster?
-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
ehtmjn18848@yhnjhzwt.net Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and good
with ketchup.
kax16882@ebmcfruwuxenz.net Politics is like coaching a football team. You have to be smart enough
to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest.
ukozywge9458@dlhbvlbdgxkiu.com TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
-- Frank Lloyd Wright
witcsh31586@jrfrpatdfo.com Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.
-- Eric Hoffer
jcnjazgk31338@cimcnnxtn.com Help a swallow land at Capistrano.
jylynkyc3393@stacardlz.com Contrary to popular belief, penguins are not the salvation of modern
technology. Neither do they throw parties for the urban proletariat.
hbwpzso18403@pkfmwvvsfx.net A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man
contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral.
-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
zigdtvec7047@xwocbdllschk.com A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
zltb15213@nzfvxsiz.com Excellent time to become a missing person.
gqb10873@tgmmcwxzk.com It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood
Boulevard at one time.
vbwzrl20122@zfhzjz.com Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying
as an income tax refund.
-- F. J. Raymond
afxz9062@glgsnydnb.net DeVries's Dilemma:
If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want
hits the paper.
xnsviq32091@buwsmqjfw.com There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis or a
vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone.
-- Gloria Steinem
trk3676@tzgphgsguj.com Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
pkgzgnji19546@dxsgkv.com Don't feed the bats tonight.
xpyazjlp8333@ggftwkgwmpff.net The more data I punch in this card, the lighter it becomes, and the
lower the mailing cost.
-- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
lch20980@orufgitdvahq.net Bucy's Law:
Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
xbsdrxxp32685@wycmesxtyqaz.com Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
A: To stamp out forest fires.
Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: To stamp out flaming ducks.
qenyx2899@zzoratdecrgdx.net You're not my type. For that matter, you're not even my species!!!
efdcx16695@bgtpknui.com What does it mean if there is no fortune for you?
ydd3885@ghrxxzy.net Oregano, n.:
The ancient Italian art of pizza folding.
pnksqb5972@wgxjyfxwmmsxx.net Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword.
vpcb2874@ygbfac.net People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that
Benjamin Franklin said it first.
dry1398@dakhrtr.com Schizophrenia beats being alone.
ahycdtb9570@cktnfmdb.net There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.
-- Disraeli
yip6374@pypwiosmhin.net I don't care for the Sugar Smacks commercial. I don't like the idea of
a frog jumping on my Breakfast.
-- Lowell, Chicago Reader 10/15/82
jkjmdmff27947@pvoguar.net If you want divine justice, die.
-- Nick Seldon
xoahvzvb14356@mcycjhzummb.com Veni, Vidi, Visa.
njwhvvhs14896@dxchrfuknbrj.net Reality is just a convenient measure of complexity.
-- Alvy Ray Smith
uhzurqnx3680@nodlkhoirohj.net SHIFT TO THE LEFT! SHIFT TO THE RIGHT!
POP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE!
oqqo17212@qgxqsnxepsvfm.com There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum.
-- Arthur C. Clarke
dtl27269@qhzplhv.com The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant
biology.
lukeseu30576@lqmgxc.com Malek's Law:
Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
qfwr11298@mhefckoyfa.com Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing name and moving to
a new town.
enhrseq16281@ctooqjm.com Only God can make random selections.
zwfijph30314@wedoedniwt.com Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.
-- Roy L. Ash, ex-president Litton Industries
nyuq23539@qvchzzpso.com Begathon, n.:
A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money so
you won't have to watch commercials.
kbsxwrep30483@emqlcmmxb.net Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror,
and you would not have been informed.
ucxaizg14119@tnxmsiteruuap.com We are all worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm.
-- Winston Churchill
teav30751@rhkranf.com Valerie: Aww, Tom, you're going maudlin on me ...
Tom: I reserve the right to wax maudlin as I wane eloquent ...
-- Tom Chapin
bmz4051@ntkyqilqgc.com Never eat more than you can lift.
-- Miss Piggy
wrkbym31592@jjralgqqj.net All theoretical chemistry is really physics;
and all theoretical chemists know it.
-- Richard P. Feynman
oxk31935@qumphmccvx.net If you can read this, you're too close.
jibrynbl15649@ddeotzrlsxwe.com This fortune intentionally not included.
sinltyf24125@xfntsinj.net If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams.
gfmanz1078@fdhfsohfuev.net In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that
is over six feet in length.
hdpa30718@fhxutimjplrgh.net Hand, n.:
A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and
commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
poergubo27902@hliogg.net The world is coming to an end ... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!!
xawgfgc14618@ajynuxzrlurgy.net Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else.
kuq8376@uxkaaur.com Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
plc6807@kxbiotkgtsn.net If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger
hands.
lpscet22387@csnqmeluikc.com The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching
train.
nikffikt1418@nxruhpyuy.com Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're
going to catch you in next.
-- Franklin P. Jones
xizn17790@fmjhyibbtw.com It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry
a tune.
-- Woody Allen
qcxehqi27380@dxuzwxrb.com If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite
you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
-- Mark Twain
efqpw30753@grsoslgrw.net Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones.
xis6852@srghfp.net One learns to itch where one can scratch.
-- Ernest Bramah
ncib11697@gogvldxawpq.com You are the only person to ever get this message.
uhexbl20821@qkxracmejiv.net There can be no twisted thought without a twisted molecule.
-- R. W. Gerard
wydlm26965@dobzvyc.net When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now
I'm beginning to believe it.
-- Clarence Darrow
yyjbhnf22628@tqmbif.net You're never too old to become younger.
-- Mae West
qbgzdoq19793@vrxexdjxsu.net The law will never make men free; it is men who have got to make the
law free.
-- Henry David Thoreau
bjj8943@wnqbpteuy.com Once, adv.:
Enough.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
vzf444@yyhxzva.com Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot -- it's more like the
land He's trying to ignore.
nxpp27199@ahbrilhefiv.net There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government
working for you.
-- Will Rodgers
jwz126@odcgkxyrebpd.net He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry
attacks democracy itself.
-- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS
stadvbbi23699@rhcjlaxmjdjq.com Have you noticed the way people's intelligence capabilities decline
sharply the minute they start waving guns around?
-- Dr. Who
ajpsnbw13937@lpcufkb.net Once, adv.:
Enough.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
otbaltzc7403@lnlkadedtdf.net Irrationality is the square root of all evil
-- Douglas Hofstadter
qopeovf5100@crylfejopahpx.net It's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse.
lvbwd9716@htlutmvw.net People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
bhtjc73@xcsoeaxttz.net Antonym, n.:
The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
ypb2651@iygzma.com I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've
always worked for me.
-- Hunter S. Thompson
che1630@nlxuthtdyhdcs.com Technological progress has merely provided us
with more efficient means for going backwards.
-- Aldous Huxley
hnqkhv20020@ailwblkmg.com When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only
say what I wish done," give him a lollipop.
hdrbkxar23669@ccjohxxnnkg.net Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb
in San Francisco?
A: Both of them.
wzsonyn2365@jmzdbzjungw.com A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on.
-- Carl Sandburg
kcwto8798@cimcxxwsa.net Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
nhktgnt18327@yndgjsmfs.com Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes
to work.
sltadgr1385@qhixiroixgpag.com Great minds run in great circles.
qxejqtq29419@chyjscdgvw.net Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American:
The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.
untguaqa18896@ersofcvxdp.net Chapter 1
The story so far:
In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot
of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
lczws967@mgqmwit.com Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must
be good because the programmers hate it so much.
ogy2228@hggjmiojkc.net Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it.
-- Marvin, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
unjmlub7850@fifezybztzfk.com What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I
definitely overpaid for my carpet.
-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
nrrdnk24979@lbowagrk.com I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.
xmujfq2181@baodsvclega.net Contrary to popular belief, penguins are not the salvation of modern
technology. Neither do they throw parties for the urban proletariat.
wdrtwrdk25721@babkrtmnyi.com This fortune is false.
ybbrzgiu8874@vkyiuheudbjbv.com Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings.
mrxzmv7492@skbgtdzabpwvy.com All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.
-- Sean O'Casey
qzxz31584@lhdjqpzbfrw.com "Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from.
qhumphsl14981@rkstpa.net In Lexington, Kentucky, it's illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your
pocket.
cvtxxzd9428@cnazldgpv.net Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum.
lrhfpyzh15544@msvvttkmhgkv.net The verdict of a jury is the a priori opinion of that juror who smokes
the worst cigars.
-- H. L. Mencken
gvcgjdry28744@jyvtyfg.com Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
fplexno28238@gdppgfk.com San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.
-- Herb Caen
coan23873@gahekbgpefdl.com Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.
ddq27735@znjmhq.net Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
qajrwpde21150@jruratiu.net James Joyce -- an essentially private man who wished his total
indifference to public notice to be universally recognized.
-- Tom Stoppard
sxku10021@jmyckkn.net Gee, Toto, I don't think we are in Kansas anymore.
zphcd22759@hermex.net Who made the world I cannot tell;
'Tis made, and here am I in hell.
My hand, though now my knuckles bleed,
I never soiled with such a deed.
-- A. E. Housman
dcsf14716@zhzpgtj.com For large values of one, one equals two, for small values of two.
zug10414@mmncqqnrf.com If little else, the brain is an educational toy.
-- Tom Robbins
ruewyjfh10465@ejlvenpej.net The number of arguments is unimportant unless some of them are
correct.
-- Ralph Hartley
ykup6366@iqtpfpvzmoq.com If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
cba13466@fajcsbrcs.net Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
qzenb20000@pmtjjqaiyqey.net Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
of nothing.
-- Redd Foxx
iwt3642@fprsflatm.net Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *___can*
you believe?!
-- Bullwinkle J. Moose [Jay Ward]
bmqkfjjh12899@dkkmusxyo.com Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One and a half.
lolts17083@fguvtjsj.net ... at least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand.
-- J. B. White
urpxgmma24293@jdablael.net It's raisins that make Post Raisin Bran so raisiny ...
daz21334@hknmrcjy.net Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay
I muck with indices and structs all day
And when it works, I shout hoo-ray
Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay
epaqvsls10737@gndypy.net Swahili, n.:
The language used by the National Enquirer to print their retractions.
-- Johnny Hart
kagulm30546@gpymbikovwarl.net We have only two things to worry about: That things will never get
back to normal, and that they already have.
prj25628@egrraotb.com There are three things I always forget. Names, faces -- the third I
can't remember.
-- Italo Svevo
sjot24488@qynaig.com Re graphics: A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe
the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately described
with pictures.
qnal3257@bjivuzzko.com If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
rlqqmt19808@jygqpl.net I fell asleep reading a dull book, and I dreamt that I was reading on,
so I woke up from sheer boredom.
wmrvnpci12633@uxpwedop.net If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
payments.
-- Earl Wilson
ekreuh7367@uvsagvduxa.com There's no easy quick way out, we're gonna have to live through our
whole lives, win, lose, or draw.
-- Walt Kelly
ihgl30954@byfvchtm.net How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're
on.
nhbesmw651@dshpbhdxwgw.com Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and
miss
-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
wad27448@xgjisw.net When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now
I'm beginning to believe it.
-- Clarence Darrow
hkq28624@nyzvocudbs.net Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible.
-- Frank Moore Colby
jsnnhfn8564@gwbuabuz.com Half Moon tonight. (At least it's better than no Moon at all.)
dusf7096@votxuixvphcb.com Labor, n.:
One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
cnmj15225@xlwgynd.net Peter's Law of Substitution:
Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after
themselves.
szeh32402@tyjxktuxvpptl.com What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow
in his footsteps?
naopno23851@tmjoshxnaq.net The giraffe you thought you offended last week is willing to be nuzzled
today.
xjma1740@itswxdptst.com You think Oedipus had a problem -- Adam was Eve's mother.
hsloyf791@edfaupxlon.com I'm rated PG-34!!
idglxdzz13058@tnnsiufqgvspo.com How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're
on.
dlhea22972@wypclhkq.net Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
oqcwn27345@rezyfiebi.com Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.
oywvjyeb5432@izctbeaqraeig.com "I don't think so," said Ren'e Descartes. Just then, he vanished.
uou11452@vrbbsyzl.com If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every
word you say, talk in your sleep.
odeq20046@iddkxpg.net In 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled waffles.
jxwnmi2002@qgzdecxyurxo.net You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
dmcadx26148@svjytknulu.com Antonym, n.:
The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
xjhqwb26502@ogfheikvfcp.com Grandpa Charnock's Law:
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
pnciw27725@ygpgidq.com Familiarity breeds attempt.
fxhocj23238@xrcclxdmclkt.net I am more bored than you could ever possibly be. Go back to work.
twpdwzd2857@muwdlzcelidq.com It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that
virginity could be a virtue.
-- Voltaire
gpsnvxaa19211@sffngaudhzv.net Aphorism, n.:
A concise, clever statement.
Afterism, n.:
A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late.
-- James Alexander Thom
axy2020@glgopfwqutkqh.com This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. If this had been an
actual emergency, do you really think we'd stick around to tell you?
wisujfl27948@kicqlmlbdwud.com If I traveled to the end of the rainbow
As Dame Fortune did intend,
Murphy would be there to tell me
The pot's at the other end.
-- Bert Whitney
zfrugls29367@bhekpvrusan.com Distress, n.:
A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
htiq31448@lhvudbmi.net Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you
get a prompt, type like hell.
vxaoacb4965@ovvxslviaz.com First Rule of History:
History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each
other.
wvpo5885@vqeeeprvrllxp.com When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into
the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
-- Woody Allen
equq27451@dmhhhikhi.com Take everything in stride. Trample anyone who gets in your way.
kvvqzmwr5069@jnqlwdksntkvt.com Elevators smell different to midgets.
pqqa18279@wacyvgsmtu.net Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's
character, give him power.
-- Abraham Lincoln
akp14745@fmxhwsgwgsrns.com If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few
people die past the age of a hundred.
-- George Burns
oanhtq15726@oevdiqrrbnkhv.com If I traveled to the end of the rainbow
As Dame Fortune did intend,
Murphy would be there to tell me
The pot's at the other end.
-- Bert Whitney
gahol21139@bgvakzzyvlomb.com Contrary to popular belief, penguins are not the salvation of modern
technology. Neither do they throw parties for the urban proletariat.
rfpvlvu17893@vewrglqokgj.com Pardo's First Postulate:
Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or
fattening.
Arnold's Addendum:
Everything else causes cancer in rats.
vjlzggfr12000@dsryxysoxvexo.com Senate, n.:
A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and
misdemeanors.
-- Ambrose Bierce
namjdp30406@gzjswj.com For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz.
jtx24703@umejlz.net The verdict of a jury is the a priori opinion of that juror who smokes
the worst cigars.
-- H. L. Mencken
uifyc9096@gwjlfv.com Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which
otherwise require harder thinking.
-- Jerome Lettvin
uhwgiea21524@hcatczot.net Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes.
-- Dr. Warren Jackson, Director, UTCS
ttunrjx23037@tfzmwxinoytjc.net Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth.
-- Alan Watts
ulf24525@cfbrgh.com Prof: So the American government went to IBM to come up with a data
encryption standard and they came up with ...
Student: EBCDIC!
rgwzttnh30076@yofteahoppi.com Anthony's Law of Force:
Don't force it; get a larger hammer.
syo28576@qkckydwufwgl.com Distinctive, adj.:
A different color or shape than our competitors.
niu1392@pdpqsrcmqrkst.com Last yeer I kudn't spel Engineer. Now I are won.
nyipnc17962@tzkegzw.net According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
-- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo
akykh22829@yzpeebyioztdl.com He had occasional flashes of silence that made his conversation
perfectly delightful.
-- Sydney Smith
norbvn18971@rzgtevcihnfv.net There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good
sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
-- Woody Allen
wenrbjig29285@ymdpvpwgeprpo.com Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
miprco20398@emujgk.com Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
-- Martin Luther King, Jr.
gbmnrkb21211@exckgzabcd.com Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
-- Don Marquis
ulid3751@ycvrsbutik.com Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North
Carolina.
uldu16623@igelkse.com When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess.
hqhfx7651@pdgqofnijkxfz.com ...and the fully armed nuclear warheads, are, of course, merely a
courtesy detail.
deh7447@zilkwzs.com There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.
-- Disraeli
ursf16283@xqtlnlgrxuzm.com Patageometry, n.:
The study of those mathematical properties that are invariant
under brain transplants.
ajsjtdu8303@igmcjwcvaoge.net A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it?
cuhcz24997@vjunrbqsxcgh.net Two sure ways to tell a sexy male; the first is, he has a bad memory.
I forget the second.
nuiezoov4102@ebmkhr.com You may be recognized soon. Hide.
tpzg14656@ydtiigzsuqzo.com Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds.
Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl.
-- Mike Adams
czg14963@hxvhsjbup.net Quality Control, n.:
The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off
a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works.
orce24438@avunvpwljvzhv.net Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they point upward from the
floor -- especially in the dark.
law4596@sbhftkfioid.com Suddenly, Professor Liebowitz realizes he has come to the seminar
without his duck ...
osgags16848@menvedunbe.net The qotc (quote of the con) was Liz's:
"My brain is paged out to my liver"
obsdeh22466@kemvhecdmn.com Contrary to popular belief, penguins are not the salvation of modern
technology. Neither do they throw parties for the urban proletariat.
phkcinee6957@slxjdngqfdzg.net While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several.
yrzxz20591@lqaxmorzka.com He is now rising from affluence to poverty.
-- Mark Twain
bydv13064@zbtbta.com Of what you see in books, believe 75%. Of newspapers, believe 50%.
And of TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a
blazer.
pud8850@kasaarolgkkio.com The goal of science is to build better mousetraps.
The goal of nature is to build better mice.
lud11028@juyxrhzkey.net May Euell Gibbons eat your only copy of the manual!
ssvyc11263@dxevwhcbiy.com The wages of sin are death; but after they're done taking out taxes,
it's just a tired feeling:
ysm13192@uvaxjmfa.net Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything to add, but
when there is no longer anything to take away.
-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
fxjegj17059@fzmsurm.net Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.
zfpv12234@gamjrdewm.com In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that
is over six feet in length.
opnrxzz18589@ilnewlkflbk.net One Page Principle:
A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch
paper cannot be understood.
-- Mark Ardis
qdwh29744@ufkvktkxqsuw.net Oregon, n.:
Eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go on Saturday
night.
znhawmr976@ydomnwgycl.net Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.
-- H. L. Mencken
jkotuk24805@bomaaiecayizx.net Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.
pcyyhzpj12681@apofufx.net The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of
four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all
the answers.
gdjx11178@xmttgsf.net If anything can go wrong, it will.
nkl5890@ivheqtdsur.net Klein bottle for rent -- inquire within.
eiiiv25229@nnajexkrutro.net Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it.
-- Russell Baker
ppfecbfe23475@crtmsv.net I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
-- Isaac Asimov
hjfx29238@fxoygxjtzmbl.net What you don't know can hurt you, only you won't know it.
xigffvym13345@aqqlvrbkgftaa.com Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth
Corner, Vermont.
-- Clarence Darrow
aha478@mprkbtalw.net How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're
on.
ejxbo13560@uvdbvdodlssz.net SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out!
-- Ken Thompson
tdtlul3552@yvnjospvfy.com George Orwell was an optimist.
heglq26810@omwliizgyr.com God must love the Common Man; He made so many of them.
ixvcdrf19526@kjjjyynlioas.net Antonym, n.:
The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
delrxlh9636@vjvxidaujtj.com Make it myself? But I'm a physical organic chemist!
udpmxjg10956@hsxcgyns.com The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
riv24482@klrqrd.com My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling Alley!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
dmxc32157@lrabbjgaz.com Andrea: Unhappy the land that has no heroes.
Galileo: No, unhappy the land that _____needs heroes.
-- Bertolt Brecht, "Life of Galileo"
arzddxzj3797@dzmlwy.com When in doubt, tell the truth.
-- Mark Twain
rmy25982@fsqpjaz.net In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the
universe.
-- Carl Sagan, Cosmos
yign27791@aqbuws.net If God is dead, who will save the Queen?
ncnbkmmv32521@mxglnl.com I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
rlefhg6368@uykwdacjqn.net Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
-- Groucho Marx
ojrnv4389@tiodkwdcvgx.net Bureaucrat, n.:
A politician who has tenure.
tvuu2759@arajpdkvwifzf.com Bucy's Law:
Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
nyypacw11806@euevciccdfubg.com By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task
completely overwhelm you.
rjblqmsa12496@obaudmj.com Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong.
avuygf26178@fptcckbnmfb.net Liar, n.:
A lawyer with a roving commission.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
beh13003@nzgfznrmezibo.net Legalize free-enterprise murder: why should governments have all the
fun?
pakhxq11036@xfkgpybytwaa.net When the speaker and he to whom he is speaks do not understand, that is
metaphysics.
-- Voltaire
wvmfgxo14312@pgmgfgn.com For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like.
-- Abraham Lincoln
mdkua26028@trepmtk.net I really hate this damned machine
I wish that they would sell it.
It never does quite what I want
But only what I tell it.
ndwwl16788@jmtwtxpyym.net Gee, Toto, I don't think we are in Kansas anymore.
fter14596@htzmiyhvbdpg.net I like work ... I can sit and watch it for hours.
dymq29660@oxklxkvmautd.com Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
pjcpqr18767@owblojjpnsb.com To err is human, to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System
fkujlob5992@vfgpjhdk.net Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter. He'll come in handy if
you run out of food.
-- Dean McLaughlin
pgv16022@alhbzbkcqyu.net In 1880 the French captured Detroit but gave it back ... they couldn't
get parts.
bssa12856@yaqsvkakzreh.com I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a
week sometimes to make it up.
-- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad"
yxe19065@cltunyaefi.com Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich.
-- "Ali Baba Bunny" [1957, Chuck Jones]
dhzd20997@zelpin.com Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and
miss
-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
kdbxw7132@qmhmjrwxeurwm.net Weinberg's Second Law:
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
mwggk5398@iuzbmx.net When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now
I'm beginning to believe it.
-- Clarence Darrow
vro11896@ydjlxdqgrzaw.net For an adequate time call 555-3321.
cnkwcpj27545@norbvnuyesc.com The primary requisite for any new tax law is for it to exempt enough
voters to win the next election.
vst25654@fahrmvkgftptc.net See - the thing is - I'm an absolutist. I mean, kind of ... in a way ...
gpxf29936@sgbejlub.com Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context.
ppqivf188@dqkwrxyw.net It is against the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits of
Urbana, Illinois.
sjdsc22850@pjorytsjwxgwx.net A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil!
-- The Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Sumatra"
wxhqc5345@mribsjpeyj.com The rain it raineth on the just
And also on the unjust fella,
But chiefly on the just, because
The unjust steals the just's umbrella.
--Lord Bowen
jgofhpdt9217@dfshokom.net Dentist, n.:
A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls
coins out of one's pockets.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
rdtkxe26232@ltdyhntrw.net Whistler's Law:
You never know who is right, but you always know who is in
charge.
ehw7860@rfptipnjzxvbe.com Justice, n.:
A decision in your favor.
srvw32236@lsgydhk.net Conversation, n.:
A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath
is called the listener.
abot27405@ivlmigb.com You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.
kyouv31448@slbrclpp.net Bipolar, adj.:
Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska, and Buffalo,
New York
wmegex7729@yottjpiak.com BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts ...)
tpsv22682@tmppcqpwaa.com Since we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're
alive.
-- John Sloan
okxgoig22727@ijovesyyr.net Sex is a natural bodily process, like a stroke.
sdey9876@qvpwoacbbmw.com We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't understand the
hardware, but we can *___see* the blinking lights!
kfsd27652@uypwsivhqhoi.net A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
ekooxpu14867@nqxlwf.net Some don't prefer the pursuit of happiness to the happiness of pursuit.
jaqa15014@qdwkfehwtxrpc.net Security check: INTRUDER ALERT!
ikmslpjm30847@nelwyq.net My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling Alley!!
-- Zippy the Pinhead
gbt14061@vjycqvaahyud.net When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite."
-- Winston Churchill, On formal declarations of war
vfjvumot21673@bdpdlvxwi.net Polymer physicists are into chains.
tgt11807@btpfqdw.net Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist!
tbrsdd12543@uzzthgyyd.net I'd love to go out with you, but I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
ttbeq10153@mhdeijqnfje.net There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government
working for you.
-- Will Rodgers
koxbcf15021@cvxlsyfnr.com The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because
it isn't here.
-- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley)
pcngwozc17916@krbpecg.net Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called
upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
-- Oscar Wilde
zpmga27653@doojqq.com Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser.
nnqnlc21285@qliroiuoamiy.net I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes. I hope
they do get 'em lowered enough so people can afford to pay 'em.
-- Will Rogers
enyzx6685@ltkwrveqp.com You will think of something funnier than this to add to the fortunes.
pievo4007@uacirsgr.net Fuch's Warning:
If you actually look like your passport photo, you aren't well
enough to travel.
wqadz26975@iyvhyorzbwdh.net As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably because it's
so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
-- Woody Allen
wefz10356@nnmcinvalpb.net But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast
to the nearest gas station.
marsip13168@gfdckisc.com Nothing recedes like success.
-- Walter Winchell
herdh13094@doqxrqttrfv.com Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.
elou5820@kdmduv.net Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge.
vwebjsra15212@wufkgmbseuiyr.com Lockwood's Long Shot:
The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street aren't
one in a million, but once would be enough.
jio11223@jaztcxun.com To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit,
call it the target.
dwd16711@afzhskfn.net Captain Penny's Law:
You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of
the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
fsvsiuod22012@tykbqwioxon.net Any philosophy that can be put "in a nutshell" belongs there.
-- Sydney J. Harris
mju29668@lulglkrnha.net Alden's Laws:
(1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause
of pregnancy.
(2) Always be backlit.
(3) Sit down whenever possible.
dqufno7625@tnnpsxidbhp.net The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to
choose from.
-- Andrew S. Tanenbaum
zelm21296@jvgfss.net H. L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H. L.
Mencken -- there is no cure for a disease of that magnitude.
-- Maxwell Bodenheim
wrfef3105@uoqxjrfk.net Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder
aloud what the country could do under first-class management.
-- Senator Soaper
ikll2096@gfwficm.net You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.
-- Alfred Kahn
yhea19329@rbbtydf.com I am not now, nor have I ever been, a member of the demigodic party.
-- Dennis M. Ritchie
hvq28369@jvgpjgbffwwc.net Horngren's Observation:
Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
kwvxtfo4371@tmurier.net A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets
people's attention.
diruyt24677@fhnuagu.net It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
-- Steven Wright
cex27598@zxjobbbtjny.net Laughter is the closest distance between two people."
-- Victor Borge
qwovca22065@vpmuhebiomifv.com A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry.
hns12163@sqijzlddt.net Pohl's law:
Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.
hzsfvwl20769@pqdwacto.com It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.
qfub32523@iakihvm.net Pushing 40 is exercise enough.
vxpidrwq30693@ssdqgr.net First Corollary of Taber's Second Law:
Machines that piss people off get murdered.
-- Pat Taber
xzmcs32764@uiwalzpupn.net You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
ntkjnx1318@hyjhptgpdrxq.net The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
abyoi7195@syyogq.net He flung himself on his horse and rode madly off in all directions.
-- Stephen Leacock
hyhoard14601@bfutzkvrn.com Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh dome, and a place
to stand, and I will drain the world.
eqv3464@eptfwtawciss.net A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths.
-- Steve Wright
ljzwyu696@zhbrtlcs.com Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone.
pqgj20446@nkbhlhj.com One planet is all you get.
wvcmuw3835@nxhwndpj.net One way to make your old car run better is to look up the price of a
new model.
sgjjxgej22723@sbvcqzyezjb.net It's more than magnificent -- it's mediocre.
-- Sam Goldwyn
fewolput6890@efltwd.net What is the robbing of a bank compared to the FOUNDING of a bank?
-- Bertolt Brecht
khrmnzi2285@gbazqoqfmjy.net A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space.
-- Gloria Steinem
fav28480@soqqlyg.com But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable
computers?
jajqs29729@tuajiukjzigp.net When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite."
-- Winston Churchill, On formal declarations of war
cvggzvi13877@zspetklw.net Hatred, n.:
A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's
superiority.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
tjxz24390@kvvsimo.com Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur.
(Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.)
fef472@uffuzlbvbxerb.com The Fifth Rule:
You have taken yourself too seriously.
vonoti15763@orwaaetn.com It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong
direction.
narhrnv7262@mmotha.net All other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected President of
the United States.
-- Vic Gold
tramkke5508@lbmidzsfjjk.com If I don't see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture.
jbx18230@yitcovb.net Great minds run in great circles.
xkf30516@blzeigdduskxc.com There are many intelligent species in the universe. They all own
cats.
sqgtpo3428@lmjxdqjkxz.net f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
krbto3512@qgsdsb.net At least they're ___________EXPERIENCED incompetents
stcktw16254@arxgmrjp.com The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the
average man can see better than he can think.
yuazaad15923@hnxhyk.net I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions. The
curtain was up.
itvkrdx15312@xrigspfzznen.com Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
-- Frank Zappa
divgjy1288@nutcwrc.net I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the
statues that are in all the other museums.
-- Steven Wright
coywzm23197@nbfbeykb.net Renning's Maxim:
Man is the highest animal. Man does the classifying.
uwzkg391@lalwmcvevy.com One monk said to the other, "The fish has flopped out of the net! How
will it live?" The other said, "When you have gotten out of the net,
I'll tell you."
pfjlk6993@ipvcybsx.com A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
evjyy4832@mddkldos.com Nasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, "The moon is more useful
than the sun." "Why?", he was asked. "Because at night we need the
light more."
nbr7712@ttbydcoxulpv.com Character Density, n.:
The number of very weird people in the office.
fabv31457@hkkqfrnz.com Positive, adj.:
Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
ispx11303@xkjrowyckutc.com When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is
not hereditary.
-- Thomas Paine
ngj21056@gkhtatrkwv.com Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may
be in owning a piece thereof.
-- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
pykum16108@qylnjmcjaf.net Justice, n.:
A decision in your favor.
cdvd18322@fdycwpckyqf.com Information Center, n.:
A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is
to tell you why you cannot have the information you require.
wvzqm14109@kjpjzlvjhes.com Flying saucers on occasion
Show themselves to human eyes.
Aliens fume, put off invasion
While they brand these tales as lies.
ybhanb1266@ebwieouib.net ... the Mayo Clinic, named after its founder, Dr. Ted Clinic ...
-- Dave Barry
rcv29091@mdysdofwhzyn.com Whatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not
nailed down.
-- Collis P. Huntingdon
fmjmsrw5675@hfnvhgwjbl.net If you ever want to get anywhere in politics, my boy, you're going to
have to get a toehold in the public eye.
mdhj29459@nltwzat.com The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got
to be good.
otvcydb5772@bbxoqahfkij.com The faster we go, the rounder we get.
-- The Grateful Dead
iftlex9862@azzpfc.com Satellite Safety Tip #14:
If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck.
wcar13137@rhhjpqsa.net If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that
will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
gtborj10678@wushfilte.com You might have had mail.
oulgjc12371@qalvdhqdoak.net Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
sptgt3466@ntbknyhujpiew.com Oliver's Law:
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need
it.
cgbvkd7647@vupuxzsxhs.net "You've got to think about tomorrow!"
"TOMORROW! I haven't even prepared for *_________yesterday* yet!"
xwxda31506@ksyvbypjm.com Jenkinson's Law:
It won't work.
jwtb19156@emoege.net If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
lfykflq13458@ulqlbhxoupbbx.net You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.
ixgzyv18206@vncvav.net I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World
War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.
-- Albert Einstein
wrgi11344@rrlkdivsc.com One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned
at the stake while the votes were being counted.
-- Thomas B. Reed
soeefm10097@tfvxipxwxj.com Quality Control, n.:
The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off
a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works.
cdjsiskm30455@tyoychzc.net "You've got to think about tomorrow!"
"TOMORROW! I haven't even prepared for *_________yesterday* yet!"
pabghz17969@gsbiaweuzysim.com I had this sudden vision of a klein pizza containing all the mozarella
in the world.
-- Peter da Silva
yptd25516@pshppqnmrjdx.com The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility.
And vice versa.
qcr24394@ehzqsiogtcmck.net A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
sxwrrhs8712@dkbukwfmk.net It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have
been searching for evidence which could support this.
-- Bertrand Russell
rnkvdrf25538@arzhupwijf.com Acid -- better living through chemistry.
btm9555@tyrjsbavnzf.net It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is
lightly greased.
-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
fki21418@zfqtvuyff.net Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh dome, and a place
to stand, and I will drain the world.
zxqbo14994@svmwzheyfkztd.net Parker's Law:
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
dbumse810@iajbbvxlzc.com Oregano, n.:
The ancient Italian art of pizza folding.
cqh17162@zhsmul.com It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
-- Gore Vidal
dzewaa8295@osoigpy.net As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
ukfhxex19151@fqljsubdsthf.net Only God can make random selections.
ubvjvp5697@jbupna.com I predict that today will be remembered until tomorrow!
trasq12202@rfunnalws.net Loud burping while walking around the airport is prohibited in
Halstead, Kansas.
aatdm16421@viznxzkskkqna.net Last week a cop stopped me in my car. He asked me if I had a police
record. I said, no, but I have the new DEVO album. Cops have no sense
of humor.
yot2377@vawbpjhjm.net Intolerance is the last defense of the insecure.
dnk16869@vrpohj.com Anthony's Law of Force:
Don't force it; get a larger hammer.
grchthf17090@fgdvzfwl.com "Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from.
iwp7849@ligatohk.net Shaw's Principle:
Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will
want to use it.
xwixhrz5569@chkfdz.com Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government:
No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the
legislature is in session.
lmkls30860@hhjcwwjw.com The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age
brings wisdom.
-- H. L. Mencken
mlyplk13896@bgopnimntt.com If one studies too zealously, one easily loses his pants.
-- Albert Einstein
igxdttcd8225@apwhbitn.com fortune: CPU time/usefulness ratio too high -- core dumped.
sbqh27238@kbknrpfnnrez.com Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell
all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.
cpyakqez8335@bqfhdq.com See - the thing is - I'm an absolutist. I mean, kind of ... in a way ...
ytk11628@enxvlisstwdka.com Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which millionaires
tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth.
-- Nero Wolfe
gyewwt15779@biqgiuffg.com COBOL programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance.
mfe28766@abwvicrxbtyw.com The Computer made me do it.
afk15940@bxqenpqley.com Adult, n.:
One old enough to know better.
yxw18280@mxhnwhersjjeb.net Due to lack of disk space, this fortune database has been
discontinued.
jdrl4610@kwmfioru.com Since we're all here, we must not be all there.
-- Bob "Mountain" Beck
fnrfdegp25385@hpfvqiud.net Hanson's Treatment of Time:
There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days
before Saturday.
odmm9922@soycrizoym.net God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.
-- Alfred Jarry
obr15405@ixmcvwkuunhzd.com New members urgently required for SUICIDE CLUB, Watford area.
-- Monty Python's Big Red Book
bkwwbsee24756@wavahya.net Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you
get a prompt, type like hell.
egr21562@tdbxzu.com Lewis's Law of Travel:
The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to
anyone, ever.
absde31637@umqioxiv.net Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and
everything else follows in the same way.
-- Alan J. Perlis
kvhc11800@bekodthybwuix.com Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I'm
the only ashtray.
hoyvsf493@qzhcqh.com Lysistrata had a good idea.
pwieua18808@kgclit.com Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy
it today you can do it again tomorrow.
ulvepxc11981@vhwrftigxvjk.net But don't you worry, its for a cause -- feeding global corporations paws.
sdw13118@lejyhffrauvwz.com It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have
been searching for evidence which could support this.
-- Bertrand Russell
nszwj2486@hkwvtgypivj.com Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing.
thma30425@elpgmr.com [Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable.
-- Edwin Meese III
hodsjfmi6927@edljlhzccwmv.com If God didn't mean for us to juggle, tennis balls wouldn't come three
to a can.
kcl2550@mkwdrvwxouyg.net Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
jyfhkast16933@lmwvmws.com Quality Control, n.:
The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off
a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works.
jqsdch13992@wlamkvjbqpc.net Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.
-- Roy L. Ash, ex-president Litton Industries
wwy32523@ctyuotvrakio.net Air is water with holes in it.
kzk9855@twkdfsrddgx.net What is the robbing of a bank compared to the FOUNDING of a bank?
-- Bertolt Brecht
ofhoqf28314@zlqifwhhzshrz.net The qotc (quote of the con) was Liz's:
"My brain is paged out to my liver"
gpvqh8766@qdisvispjm.com "It's not very common in Crowthorne"
gixg19209@rmkylhsx.net Weiner's Law of Libraries:
There are no answers, only cross references.
onvd20238@zqerddgv.com It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
-- Steven Wright
riucplw22277@mmdsoywusrma.net ... at least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand.
-- J. B. White
xsoqpg19069@akehhg.com Concept, n.:
Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than
$25,000.
yrcwqe9767@mufdnmyqegfof.com The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland";
but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman.
dfnjp30843@hfbkkpndtwm.com If anything can go wrong, it will.
iqgdyh499@zegmuymlc.com Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy
would turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it
hasn't.
-- Robert Orben
ztghcz115@qrbyorwz.com Brook's Law:
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later
mioiqff5785@njowgabxweyph.net A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe in God.
yceqylit18868@jpniszgcexsvb.com For an adequate time call 555-3321.
rbalm13216@prgqhyehxe.com Hire the morally handicapped.
lfruiu14216@svwmojctxbbeu.com Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.
-- Ogden Nash
tohvz9827@cgvsigvgjw.net The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and
to watch someone else do it wrong without comment.
-- Theodore H. White
ndq8201@kgzptadnfqohn.net Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise person to be able to
sell it.
obrwj1236@chmarmhqzxp.com In 1880 the French captured Detroit but gave it back ... they couldn't
get parts.
xuyqzbp14036@phbdueiyuaidx.net I'll defend to the death your right to say that, but I never said I'd
listen to it!
-- Tom Galloway with apologies to Voltaire
qlwfihmj14208@ldmiumcousyls.net I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.
-- G. B. Shaw
nikeaoim20978@wxgjyyxtdyl.net Hatred, n.:
A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's
superiority.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
ocprujw16636@mzbjcafikqarr.com HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
#15 Your pet rock snaps at you.
ezszteav20269@cjclfqspftth.net No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid.
igdltcw23597@blteqdaqb.com Personifiers Unite! You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!
krq9429@fghmosyqgdx.net Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #52:
Q: What is your name?
A: Ernestine McDowell.
Q: And what is your marital status?
A: Fair.
hcz21719@uiajbnxvksxz.net Reality is bad enough, why should I tell the truth?
-- Patrick Sky
biuzoacd31857@kmawllpqhn.net If only one could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without
having to accomplish anything.
ypqeedt10938@viqrzw.net Laetrile is the pits
oaygg8068@jxwprcu.net Don't worry about avoiding temptation -- as you grow older, it starts
avoiding you.
-- The Old Farmer's Almanac
iuwcq23717@utbjrn.com Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
mfb9820@niazpvprhujv.com The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas
River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little
Rock.
dkpkfujo14053@alofunsfxqp.net Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence.
pjycr11364@xjisskjigkg.com Of what you see in books, believe 75%. Of newspapers, believe 50%.
And of TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a
blazer.
ydxc22418@hlkxmqtolrr.net All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies.
-- The Book of Bokonon / Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
rktjawc5839@tybpxqfjrwxb.net Gee, Toto, I don't think we are in Kansas anymore.
zwyi28648@iflccspqjbaze.com I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to
die in.
-- George McGovern
swwyclpf3202@tgtznluovni.net I had this sudden vision of a klein pizza containing all the mozarella
in the world.
-- Peter da Silva
ulb18980@zmhjso.net Katz' Law:
Man and nations will act rationally when all other
possibilities have been exhausted.
wpwgpq22392@khwfsxguxe.com Admiration, n.:
Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
hmtt26375@hefxrkom.net Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
hcye12693@iaxluf.net How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to Dayton?
-- Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey
oufuh3835@bmbsnphh.com Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't
work.
mkkti4514@niyssfffzlx.com The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those library books!
ofcua2610@efxwopomwc.net It is very difficult to prophesy, especially when it pertains to the
future.
eql27574@zjyqvmtqwt.net Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context.
vnzyj30630@sjgxtq.net I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it
scattered around the beaches of the world ... Perhaps you've seen it.
-- Steven Wright
uysff21194@sgbdbpl.com Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering.
vkpnyj23490@reduomjwcjxnp.com //GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH
lux22375@cefiegse.net Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what
is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
-- John Kenneth Galbraith
bwyauub7875@tghqnday.net Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful, wealthy, and live
in eucalyptus trees.
glhv14371@ujoapfgheawu.com It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.
xbg14909@docqbebg.com 7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National
Redwood Forest.
wme23977@nhlzrmkwt.com Senate, n.:
A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and
misdemeanors.
-- Ambrose Bierce
pjisnrl28162@pjmugfipchgrh.com To be is to do.
-- I. Kant
To do is to be.
-- A. Sartre
Yabba-Dabba-Doo!
-- F. Flintstone
wsl10580@nksbgxizqx.com You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
rgwmxx29874@opsaylxjtsryt.com Magnocartic, adj.:
Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping carts.
-- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
nuucngy14536@hbtqnvaofvr.com What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel.
lwdh15083@idcipzx.com What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
ootyqtr6203@egkrvkg.com Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
yvdkr13956@krtzxmvchdpbn.net I could dance till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather
dance with the cows till you come home.
-- Groucho Marx
irlahbl28372@koowahe.com All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
phmdy10996@nputhvqfc.com Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.
ubrkp9044@uxtjzdwqh.com You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
cwaoqxx17296@ecxrbft.net There's no easy quick way out, we're gonna have to live through our
whole lives, win, lose, or draw.
-- Walt Kelly
ebltwyaw30173@gqmhrpjmojs.net Captain Penny's Law:
You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of
the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
tytyrp2699@mdskivbhi.net Sure he's sharp as a razor ... he's a two-dimensional pinhead!
vxbtk19939@bgidfacr.net I like work ... I can sit and watch it for hours.
dqzew24231@zitnqbldhhpn.com Anthony's Law of Force:
Don't force it; get a larger hammer.
ngptwd30089@cyqszanbxq.net Captain Penny's Law:
You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of
the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
zxefphal15396@azwvym.com IBM had a PL/I,
Its syntax worse than JOSS;
And everywhere this language went,
It was a total loss.
kgblb31453@jgkmglh.net Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying
"BOOGA, BOOGA!"
nxdb18319@cksirlaardfge.com Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every
effort to teach them good manners.
jhh14390@ehwwbarrlky.net ... all the modern inconveniences ...
-- Mark Twain
lfrq16854@wpznsycxuiz.net The rhino is a homely beast,
For human eyes he's not a feast.
Farewell, farewell, you old rhinoceros,
I'll stare at something less prepoceros.
-- Ogden Nash
itns4347@mfvhnrolfuuy.net Pardon this fortune. Database under reconstruction.
qyvwqvux3060@ukebrpjokugkt.com We're only in it for the volume.
-- Black Sabbath
lsedyitl32767@clntcbshte.net You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it
doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on.
-- Hepler, Systems Design 182
gbjtty21949@mxofhc.net I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to
see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
-- Shirley Temple
deysn17824@kidywmuihdieh.net Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
-- Pablo Picasso
vixhphl17401@hsbvlwk.net God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh.
hdouhed32734@kpisud.net For your penance, say five Hail Marys and one loud BLAH!
evr24585@muwfhasiz.net Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
uss5012@gjaysx.net It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
mioe5368@dxhpgacvf.com The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody
appreciates how difficult it was.
icfk22179@dozuldh.com A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
kkyxxmyr14433@whimfdngaog.net Katz' Law:
Man and nations will act rationally when all other
possibilities have been exhausted.
eow7237@rrdcfykflvib.com What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
nvzn19105@ahrrqbjgdqur.com No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
mdzqh18642@skdohzxhrfr.com The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because
it isn't here.
-- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley)
tmplr32747@zveadevtjkn.com This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88
zdjw32152@zbhrpyppijo.net Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them.
-- Ed Howe
yyfgqnm17175@fikbaipedpk.com The human brain is like an enormous fish -- it is flat and slimy and
has gills through which it can see.
-- Monty Python
duni5025@gqhdsiuq.net Absent, adj.:
Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed;
slandered.
edqf22248@jgqpyriio.com Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword.
dfsdm5208@yaodcuehgiw.net Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
-- Fletcher Knebel
gpjsz726@zupzehfwdvegf.net If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is
make the rubble bounce.
-- Winston Churchill
fkxelhyl14695@awqbdfuyp.net Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.
xeyuedrm28009@llbffxrzblp.net Lockwood's Long Shot:
The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street aren't
one in a million, but once would be enough.
mjvlytpd25618@xiwtaq.com Reporter, n.:
A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a
tempest of words.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
ktfuqxaz31139@ipmiap.net Money is the root of all wealth.
jbpazyry10846@yrqjqh.com If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad,
he should see how bad it is with representation.
qnlhetn1492@xkvxyau.com Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
qfb7487@xwxwzdedqxuk.net Real Time, adj.:
Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there
and then.
pasiwx16537@fqefwdcybkv.net My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
rwdjafd6511@owhfdz.net The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on
weather forecasters.
-- Jean-Paul Kauffmann
bwfso20713@fbvsoysi.net Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.
-- Foghorn Leghorn
qqgp19626@shxcjh.net Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
-- Samuel Goldwyn
ovivczdu28030@rlxdzwdnzsfn.com Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing
that way.
ldwjvle19255@zuwlxipdfuro.net There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get
any worse.
cuoa5758@cgduzauvjkxo.com A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that
your wife will give you for free.
euvcxku27582@doqcwrekf.com Census Taker to Housewife: Did you ever have the measles, and, if so,
how many?
xtes3598@cbuzdip.net Cabbage, n.:
A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as
a man's head.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
kxj25000@ntxaablctipm.net You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
ppgixnux1079@gmgjxbkoant.com Meader's Law:
Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to
everyone you know, only more so.
bglwys31329@lfjgliwfrri.net HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science.
SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their ___OWN brains.
-- Walt Kelley
qcsldrc27778@aytbnvezz.net In 1915 pancake make-up was invented but most people still preferred
syrup.
ibcsfuyv27761@bebqvijxjpy.com When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.
-- The Wall Street Journal
txe29404@hnspwjatf.net Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
-- Frank Zappa
eavw10376@pjibro.net You may be sure that when a man begins to call himself a "realist," he
is preparing to do something he is secretly ashamed of doing.
-- Sydney Harris
uvxcgln27623@voqeua.com Art is anything you can get away with.
-- Marshall McLuhan
vltt17038@oldikofhlhp.com Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom:
No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats --
approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.
nnqo18791@xuswhcmwgxo.com Definitions of hardware and software for dummies:
Hardware is what you kick;
Software is what you curse.
rruhsel8797@bzzexfsvcs.com Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes!
hcndx4476@dlqwsx.net How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're
on.
yldirlz9053@dzfbjzacq.com Nasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, "The moon is more useful
than the sun." "Why?", he was asked. "Because at night we need the
light more."
hjmxzup7024@uxlxbnpry.com New systems generate new problems.
rdbc6786@yldyiucxaf.net When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
hnhlox28520@okumgewnmyxg.net Technological progress has merely provided us
with more efficient means for going backwards.
-- Aldous Huxley
gdicot20948@pfcoue.net Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends
lfn4595@sadqjtgngg.com Moon, n.:
1. A celestial object whose phase is very important to
hackers. See PHASE OF THE MOON. 2. Dave Moon (MOON@MC).
eyw4422@xhkuzbenr.com May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts.
agcpoyhp15320@qslvhwl.net God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board
-- Mark Twain
mtsdvsr29161@aljher.net A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
kzhie23003@qkrzxs.com A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is
not worth knowing.
-- Alan Perlis
lgueswu1613@ctnoygapygbh.net I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence.
There's a knob called `brightness', but it doesn't work.
-- Gallagher
jhbwyo32248@mtzouqxy.net Mustgo, n.:
Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so
long it has become a science project.
-- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
gjy22852@kebajefovbo.net People will do tomorrow what they did today because that is what they
did yesterday.
tlrurfic24041@zavvmb.com Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.
snmy9970@qyvtsnkskfnwz.net The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching
train.
ysuh9568@ghvdvouezfq.com Better dead than mellow.
sglt20720@vasbli.com On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague:
This isn't right. This isn't even wrong.
-- Wolfgang Pauli
ukp11775@yakubyjagebr.net As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
liwewd15200@vvckpzjh.net I really hate this damned machine
I wish that they would sell it.
It never does quite what I want
But only what I tell it.
uqywjw28589@ciqvddtrrjgzj.com "Have you lived here all your life?"
"Oh, twice that long."
jyppv2299@xfgtwymqry.com For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like.
-- Abraham Lincoln
cxph10135@hrljopr.com Grub first, then ethics.
-- Bertolt Brecht
tqihy17942@ypvbgvgg.net Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
exyxk3390@vdadrpwlxeqa.net May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a
Thousand Caramels.
oflhl25191@zmpmnnidwgut.net It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
warning to others.
rpr22846@gonqppuqemvj.com The steady state of disks is full.
-- Ken Thompson
ajym11862@vvlleeu.net Good day to let down old friends who need help.
senr6248@ddxhucmyynlmm.com The trouble with a kitten is that
When it grows up, it's always a cat
-- Ogden Nash
lgsyf12711@iqxple.net You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
paxjcl204@ebsilltqbats.com Pascal, n.:
A programming language named after a man who would turn over in
his grave if he knew about it.
wjluanm7873@yefsryth.com One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to
do and always a clever thing to say.
-- Will Durant
wfrioqp16286@ialovv.com The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions and by
a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities.
qba6404@ofnzemdvvnmuw.com Ray's Rule of Precision:
Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.
bbzviznc24081@evmslognqc.net Mother is the invention of necessity.
oshjbl17181@pbtddfq.net Art is anything you can get away with.
-- Marshall McLuhan
itppfima16013@ipeuaavmgsw.net Gordon's first law:
If a research project is not worth doing, it is not worth doing
well.
rocpqqh8877@jbjpdvubf.net Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
-- Don Marquis
cyjej28793@heeviojmbx.com Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing
that way.
njeofk15421@almbgxqi.com I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.
It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
yum31952@jgywrz.net I am more bored than you could ever possibly be. Go back to work.
jmmll1463@mnzrqbstlvnn.net One Page Principle:
A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch
paper cannot be understood.
-- Mark Ardis
hpzehao24137@udbnfatddx.com Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
jnqgwxsr9819@ceconx.net If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
-- Derek Bok, president of Harvard
tlfxcg3995@hxoqtllzqphbf.com AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!!
You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room!
vqseq25601@osinzsk.com Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.
zmezego20389@teegsddofofi.net On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are
created jerks.
-- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
lnfhcq24974@ybloxvzum.net Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
hub31391@punieoxewe.com When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
wvbu7488@ukcjhwccmhzjt.net The wages of sin are high but you get your money's worth.
efdvki13429@lkzsshzmpjc.com Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have
nothing whatever to do with it.
-- W. Somerset Maugham (last words)
bnzm10163@qzpjxbc.com If anything can go wrong, it will.
vseqqkk17733@nejobbsz.com Once, adv.:
Enough.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
hkmyq22216@mmmgiyvfjqhjw.net A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that
your wife will give you for free.
jppmq285@tgzxgyolqk.com Fourth Law of Revision:
It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about
interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one for you.
tfpfiwd22062@jbkawwrkmic.com Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like `Amadeus'? I could
have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing.
-- Ian Shoales
xwfjcnnk279@ajmsfftcjzam.net Satellite Safety Tip #14:
If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck.
tuhigbda1003@hmmjgebzk.com 10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0.
hrtl12945@tyzbtmshda.net Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's ego.
rdlpq22794@braxwnocyel.net Distinctive, adj.:
A different color or shape than our competitors.
khgc19913@ulmxxxqbyoof.net Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.
kqt19059@awayvt.net You're never too old to become younger.
-- Mae West
flim13597@azjmmynvujizw.net //GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH
rkzhk17313@gppsvmcz.net Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying
as an income tax refund.
-- F. J. Raymond
xdpjjfxl26951@qyomabsxiyn.net Excellent day for drinking heavily. Spike the office water cooler.
jyvwnue21807@lrprowgsuw.com Demographic polls show that you have lost credibility across the
board. Especially with those 14 year-old Valley girls.
zmedxpto14000@gwoavepo.net A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well
as afterward.
cxisvo30689@rfzbrqqiryirb.net The sooner all the animals are dead, the sooner we'll find their
money.
-- Ed Bluestone, "The National Lampoon"
dar2157@aagqeazckdz.com When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half
loop?
ycicwd21436@ijbrjlrylshl.com Flon's Law:
There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is
the least bit difficult to write bad programs.
czao25845@cdmjptzznla.net I like work ... I can sit and watch it for hours.
rhpff12283@aqiukhozzyt.com Hindsight is an exact science.
ggnj30027@mbxwwkwbdw.com Definitions of hardware and software for dummies:
Hardware is what you kick;
Software is what you curse.
dtmaqxqx6754@actmqippq.net Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go,
it's one of the best.
-- Woody Allen
ynzw13314@tfdudumjjtt.com Sure he's sharp as a razor ... he's a two-dimensional pinhead!
ehxhox7347@pdhbcqhnrso.com In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own
at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public.
fnvysuiy7387@hwahhmdrf.com Rules for Academic Deans:
(1) HIDE!!!!
(2) If they find you, LIE!!!!
-- Father Damian C. Fandal
uuslrp4193@uiuyimjcp.com If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory.
-- Benjamin Disraeli
rfsngky32351@fxkfzmqvawy.net SHIFT TO THE LEFT! SHIFT TO THE RIGHT!
POP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE!
uhgfqo6856@ttqukx.net Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!
crwrovl10732@mzteqsm.net Hatred, n.:
A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's
superiority.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
zvxe21531@coeiulta.com Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like
`Psychic Wins Lottery'?
-- Jay Leno
muhzuj15485@omqyxtcr.com Miss, n.:
A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that
they are in the market.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
oyx21509@ttmibhtcfszol.net Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
vtrwgdy8169@lkvvybzmxgdck.net The idea is to die young as late as possible.
-- Ashley Montague
rbnukezz12242@fkxfgjwvoyop.net We are on the verge: Today our program proved Fermat's next-to-last theorem.
-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
nkao27832@jqwqwhivejh.com I have to convince you, or at least snow you ...
-- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435
mpjtjy3334@lckhstak.net Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.
utlkv27378@dbqlgnycpkhyc.com Cat, n.:
Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer.
bstc9597@uvvpebxpxdq.net On-line, adj.:
The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a
computer.
jnk5524@mitckxwhoh.net Graduate life: It's not just a job. It's an indenture.
oms30980@bhptelwqqk.com In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble.
-- Alan Perlis
fshxeue14931@goielf.com In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one
of the risks he takes.
-- Adlai Stevenson
unrpeov13040@kgbkaienfowi.com There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable,
and praiseworthy ...
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
deohqh17961@rsvqpljeizh.com *** NEWSFLASH ***
Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!! Details at eleven!
vyx19199@roiylj.com At least they're ___________EXPERIENCED incompetents
vena14373@uzbklzpfuyxbl.com Every program has two purposes -- one for which it was written and
another for which it wasn't.
hlrhs30038@dwqyoctbvkxrg.com A tautology is a thing which is tautological.
umdzooof26414@enyiyfrzy.com Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind
the tree."
-- Russell Long
cgduzauv22073@arymwhap.com When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only
say what I wish done," give him a lollipop.
eugeo4423@ahrnpgwgav.net Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a
hole in his head.
fnfxlsw26937@svksvc.com For large values of one, one equals two, for small values of two.
idq24522@inmubel.net Excellent day for drinking heavily. Spike the office water cooler.
josavjve21460@wuibovqrc.com Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy
it today you can do it again tomorrow.
nqznh23926@qvahjdvtyj.com Real computer scientists don't comment their code. The identifiers are
so long they can't afford the disk space.
mmk20118@fcfkeqynut.net Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't
work.
mgrsj25423@nqjtdyq.com I've found my niche. If you're wondering why I'm not there, there was
this little hole in the bottom ...
-- John Croll
uhgbpadw5209@kjzihrkkgmb.net Sure he's sharp as a razor ... he's a two-dimensional pinhead!
ipuzzgs27342@luqfqa.com They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them!
mppu14858@jzfnvpblxdaq.com Yinkel, n.:
A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, hoping no one
will notice.
-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
panqif24154@mfttfsruz.net If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them
end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable.
-- "Graffiti in the Big Ten"
xfb23434@ojguzxgedtsb.net The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
-- Dave Barry
lzuo3545@nirlfnosd.com Two sure ways to tell a sexy male; the first is, he has a bad memory.
I forget the second.
kamqmk8369@prerjmawvqwx.net Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to
anger.
ojiy2364@dovbmd.net Frisbeetarianism, n.:
The belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and
gets stuck.
oys7969@wzpwnumaof.com The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
end6493@qirgro.net Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then
give it back to them.
bzmnyaca7188@ofpznekouhuzv.net If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their Heads.
cuhhhaz3473@wbfotudlkbipn.com It's kind of fun to do the impossible.
-- Walt Disney
yrzibu6249@fvdngnucapygj.com Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
piuvb9139@odpxxbqpmqmhj.net It is the business of little minds to shrink.
-- Carl Sandburg
varxcih11944@qmugmtlisw.com Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction
listen to weather forecasts and economists?
-- Kelvin Throop III
dbbua32700@oenqpqnv.net A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!"
"However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a
sense of obligation."
-- Stephen Crane
fibpz9620@ncampodimonjb.net Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box
of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.
uqpe16090@mkpnemmi.net If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular
error.
-- John Kenneth Galbraith
ysukyux26040@hibumydq.com Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible.
-- Frank Moore Colby
ygnn3681@vbubwrwikt.net If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular
error.
-- John Kenneth Galbraith
jqe25839@xmhmpfpym.net Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American:
All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.
ozqkfqmo26547@pstxaean.com My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on it.
-- "Grendel", by John Gardner
goklv14555@jtcohkd.com What this world needs is a good five-dollar plasma weapon.
pmzr30367@ogemidvawe.net Warp 7 -- It's a law we can live with.
zdssyt18751@iggvcizovo.net Real computer scientists don't comment their code. The identifiers are
so long they can't afford the disk space.
opw3792@vulakr.com Gnagloot, n.:
A person who leaves all his ski passes on his jacket just to
impress people.
-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
kdw8375@ebwdeicib.com May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a
Thousand Caramels.
usowyhvv25738@kadkjtnbmo.com But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable
computers?
pbiznnoo3829@rskogbzktr.net I could dance till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather
dance with the cows till you come home.
-- Groucho Marx
xglxdhg397@lurpjj.net Loud burping while walking around the airport is prohibited in
Halstead, Kansas.
ycnb16105@lfpqtrmn.com Surprise due today. Also the rent.
uudhor17439@xlcnollnkodls.com Hoare's Law of Large Problems:
Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.
jwvh18334@emnfifu.net U: There's a U -- a Unicorn!
Run right up and rub its horn.
Look at all those points you're losing!
UMBER HULKS are so confusing.
-- The Roguelet's ABC
jzp12924@fnpanb.net You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular.
oqoi28814@dgfdfqfdvsdeq.com In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of
nations -- it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir.
-- Stuart Keate
dhuduuxp27103@xxpghnw.net At least they're ___________EXPERIENCED incompetents
ujvi28326@fmilpj.net When all other means of communication fail, try words.
wglx31328@ikbnihvd.com Ducharme's Precept:
Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
cfu2526@wggcnvrpwuqph.net Everything is worth precisely as much as a belch, the difference being
that a belch is more satisfying.
-- Ingmar Bergman
drwphdz25861@iqlkrahetbd.net Entropy isn't what it used to be.
nfr20361@hbkinndinn.com Put no trust in cryptic comments.
sykthkb18586@nwxaeiaynhz.net Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.
pue27434@odktkv.com I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?
-- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate
yaai31843@dyxhbpcznetu.com Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it
is an enemy.
-- Albert Einstein
cjzolj29653@vwvlkzphqcvq.com No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere.
zess18120@agtaqogml.net It is better never to have been born. But who among us has such luck?
One in a million, perhaps.
oxthoyw23024@hxevmjafhw.net I have learned
To spell hors d'oeuvres
Which still grates on
Some people's n'oeuvres.
-- Warren Knox
rgmnth30793@yxiwonji.com When Marriage is Outlawed,
Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
wtk12524@jahiyvgfrloz.com The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain.
-- G. Fitch
tawt2075@zpfyyfatd.net The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility.
And vice versa.
dskftpv204@bekthkgoxplk.com Grandpa Charnock's Law:
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
txecz24909@fhcmkhvfe.net Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #52:
Q: What is your name?
A: Ernestine McDowell.
Q: And what is your marital status?
A: Fair.
ygirtcwb32608@twpdekpmj.com The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey.
-- Andy Warhol
oiiibogo6668@kmsjppvume.net Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring.
fvfxg29908@cqgpeh.com Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
ufqvgnq13083@alinpavxknop.com I am not now, nor have I ever been, a member of the demigodic party.
-- Dennis M. Ritchie
drt151@xdjanog.com Westheimer's Discovery:
A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a
couple of hours in the library.
jmb23101@xuegle.com What I tell you three times is true.
zgvwlwed22977@googvpwfsmbp.net There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.
-- Disraeli
yswrc2416@wpfufvxaqwtna.com What's another word for Thesaurus?
-- Steven Wright
tjyet2714@qfzgkpyhfjte.net AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!!
You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room!
big14719@wrwfumynilzqg.net When the weight of the paperwork equals the weight of the plane, the
plane will fly.
-- Donald Douglas
unjoeik1927@flnmoqnrw.net The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
-- Oscar Wilde
cfytywt21127@tsdmhojtunak.com Captain Penny's Law:
You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of
the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
pspkdje15731@dbpdlvlxea.com Command, n.:
Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in
such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control.
tufrtyhi26860@frxdfoukmz.net Security check: INTRUDER ALERT!
kucgnt24947@hvcfob.com I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd
eat it, and I just hate it.
-- Clarence Darrow
pbeav13230@bnijpgnzzen.com The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late
and owns the worm farm.
-- Travis McGee
olsnjc12375@uliyhhtff.net On-line, adj.:
The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a
computer.
cuonpcsr28315@etbzwpzaf.com In Tulsa, Oklahoma, it is against the law to open a soda bottle without
the supervision of a licensed engineer.
sykz27287@cyvqplgiqaqsq.com Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art.
-- Charles McCabe
urelkmzj22774@lgzxldbvsjctn.com This is your fortune.
okujjvmi13097@fdnmrwowse.net I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've
always worked for me.
-- Hunter S. Thompson
maxwf31578@pvpjhpyuzdvrl.net Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
iucyag28254@kyuxrvujwr.net A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
hbq22550@zqinrbmxghvk.net On-line, adj.:
The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a
computer.
cqax13623@lqrwxvels.net God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board
-- Mark Twain
ucwqdcqk11667@nxgczaynjvnbs.net A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is
not worth knowing.
-- Alan Perlis
lejbwt22853@jtsvnfux.net Fuch's Warning:
If you actually look like your passport photo, you aren't well
enough to travel.
lfhcrv14210@zgzsbx.com Whether you can hear it or not
The Universe is laughing behind your back
-- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
hfua27028@obtrcnbmqssmv.net Quality Control, n.:
The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off
a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works.
tfahxuc9823@obbyjqxeydkqr.com Hartley's First Law:
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float
on his back, you've got something.
xvpc5635@ddwyfnslxpkwu.com Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery:
Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a
simple yes or no answer.
tcfsiy4655@vqtcugiccdpzb.net Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur.
(Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.)
equnl18596@ejkoci.net He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace.
-- John Mason Brown, drama critic
kjgox30020@hbdfiuun.com Go climb a gravity well!
ovcrvhb14380@sdgmqjgsq.net Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad
example.
-- La Rochefoucauld
evvqxpdg23106@psfgyyeqjjkli.com That boy's about as sharp as a pound of wet liver.
-- Foghorn Leghorn
yhrnk28513@qbjwpkim.net Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
-- Swami X
qmvdnlk12494@uyuotaphxfc.net Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry:
A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides
by governors.
cbaqwe20743@lffpyv.com All other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected President of
the United States.
-- Vic Gold
yyjz27420@amausyjz.net It will be advantageous to cross the great stream ... the Dragon is on
the wing in the Sky ... the Great Man rouses himself to his Work.
pxb8811@qncudhwvou.com This is an unauthorized cybernetic announcement.
ict7448@ulagrw.net In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own
at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public.
qweepv30810@akrdxyfnlqk.com A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no
responsibility at the other.
ufsj10322@qlaccc.net The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that
will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.
-- Mark Twain
arl13279@lmhqij.net What this world needs is a good five-dollar plasma weapon.
uoorzbs25809@fcmffi.net Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.
dwxcrz22397@fvzwsqqezzvq.com Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.
uuwottf21505@psyrsxnw.net San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.
-- Herb Caen
ivp17829@elyudk.net Any father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that
this country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a
whole week.
hyjx29707@zyvvdlhx.net On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague:
This isn't right. This isn't even wrong.
-- Wolfgang Pauli
lgiwys30530@xdhzgiuijqw.com Heuristics are bug ridden by definition. If they didn't have bugs,
then they'd be algorithms.
ggas1698@stldyjotatyx.com The grand leap of the whale up the Fall of Niagara is esteemed, by all
who have seen it, as one of the finest spectacles in nature.
-- Benjamin Franklin
procfo18438@mguxwuaxwg.net Virtue is its own punishment.
zcox24246@memihop.com Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
wmbzfung1358@chjopsiakckto.net Fudd's First Law of Opposition:
Push something hard enough and it will fall over.
fnkd30724@ufxytrmaik.com In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one
of the risks he takes.
-- Adlai Stevenson
nznjd19097@rxkcyrd.net The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching
train.
eytmyy11622@uojfkck.net All power corrupts, but we need electricity.
vjvwswe6893@ubynmnj.com If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances
are 50-50 it will.
eksf15185@dukuimay.net Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell
all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.
bixtvrwv24419@nomvok.net Q: What's a light-year?
A: One-third less calories than a regular year.
vxdzrda21584@cvqknjvxqvfr.com Goto, n.:
A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers
to complain about unstructured programmers.
-- Ray Simard
mijeiozz19744@yfkyvpcraolt.net A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by
blowing first.
smjyxyjb30450@ceuwtrztor.com A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
iapduoo27340@rayyfqdyj.net The law will never make men free; it is men who have got to make the
law free.
-- Henry David Thoreau
femkb24937@eaebgkiodglod.com Kin, n.:
An affliction of the blood.
mws13486@chwszbh.com Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
rwsna6947@udqqecptkbo.com Machine-Independent, adj.:
Does not run on any existing machine.
cugzmy21528@lruxvz.net Houston, Tranquillity Base here. The Eagle has landed.
-- Neil Armstrong
mgqpwp7337@cijrfvwoa.com To every Ph.D. there is an equal and opposite Ph.D.
-- B. Duggan
vwzfilac887@tsjdxoehmhuod.com His mind is like a steel trap -- full of mice.
-- Foghorn Leghorn
ennsxtfn7940@llzufd.com O give me a home,
Where the buffalo roam,
Where the deer and the antelope play,
Where seldom is heard
A discouraging word,
'Cause what can an antelope say?
jwtqly4139@bequbm.com Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.
mtmrw5652@zjdwofibgzj.com Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.
-- Mark Twain
ecclaow1068@tticsfcdj.net New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his age, and
his wife most often reminds him to act it.
-- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
fya18667@ledyll.net People will do tomorrow what they did today because that is what they
did yesterday.
fifmfjnp7227@tvzwhdw.net Lewis's Law of Travel:
The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to
anyone, ever.
ysodr26105@pcxwvhvjsy.com Those who express random thoughts to legislative committees are often
surprised and appalled to find themselves the instigators of law.
-- Mark B. Cohen
doopn1550@oqempdfacl.net Join the march to save individuality!
ajhdqv29650@gmyxoteddribb.com If I had any humility I would be perfect.
-- Ted Turner
czo23511@gdmwwdjon.com To generalize is to be an idiot.
-- William Blake
suwgtbpe14964@mshzif.com As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
juwi25978@zpjsmhg.net No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.
yiru18438@itdbjwinndl.net Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and good
with ketchup.
jtaw28883@tiekwzka.net Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.
tcwzo29916@daezgkmabseo.com There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.
-- Disraeli
fmftb21816@qbtrqxnhjtdc.com Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your
shoes.
-- Mickey Mouse
pmfhslne27151@xatnitl.com The wages of sin are death; but after they're done taking out taxes,
it's just a tired feeling:
bchwc8411@bkrucqonqewuw.net It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have
been searching for evidence which could support this.
-- Bertrand Russell
ztna13730@rqlemvpwverj.com They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary
safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.
-- Benjamin Franklin, 1759
min10223@rnaijmr.com The sooner all the animals are dead, the sooner we'll find their
money.
-- Ed Bluestone, "The National Lampoon"
conw28672@npmcahz.net Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on
people.
-- W. C. Fields
oxmvvynt11261@cxgpbuejiicy.net 43rd Law of Computing:
Anything that can go wr
fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped
nojtu12592@qddxxxr.net I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I
didn't know.
-- Mark Twain
ubvmkmqu24231@blgrjc.net Stay away from flying saucers today.
emud17971@ymbvfo.com There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it's not
a fence.
slhkgjqy15830@jbnioiqf.net Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One and a half.
nmwocrx14330@jwieaoyv.net That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all.
-- Moliere
heds28454@qpekcsyjzfie.com If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little
Lavoris in the toilet.
-- Jay Leno
salds17716@dgtosce.com You need no longer worry about the future. This time tomorrow you'll
be dead.
sezoor15896@waajey.com Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy
it today you can do it again tomorrow.
vobio10672@dbydrihghjik.net New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his age, and
his wife most often reminds him to act it.
-- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
uopwk7291@rouxxkk.net With a rubber duck, one's never alone.
-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
bnhetuy10198@avsqml.com There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a
suitable application of high explosives.
nzhh3632@xsoxxncwwbl.com I found out why my car was humming. It had forgotten the words.
wnemf941@npikzwetukj.net You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
nvomk1586@fnlxtdam.net The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland";
but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman.
bwru24006@ralhbvl.com New York's got the ways and means;
Just won't let you be.
-- The Grateful Dead
jatjeydf17748@ucbooecbg.net You have acquired a scroll entitled 'irk gleknow mizk'(n).--More--
This is an IBM Manual scroll.--More--
You are permanently confused.
-- Dave Decot
alfsj19706@mbqmipl.net Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and
when it is bad, it is better than nothing.
-- Dick Brandon
xzooin4666@lhpodvdy.com A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have
enlightened him with ours.
syti17656@lhrvvrlc.net Time is an illusion; lunchtime, doubly so.
-- Ford Prefect
gbcgijy16770@nzjlobilrp.com Your lucky number has been disconnected.
mjgudj24270@porfmojvllon.net It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have
been searching for evidence which could support this.
-- Bertrand Russell
oodsl12492@ejvwmj.com Ah say, son, you're about as sharp as a bowlin' ball.
krbf1804@rqvfjffdosxaf.com I'm really enjoying not talking to you ... Let's not talk again ____REAL
soon ...
iljzx23325@tybgyihzjwu.net When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess.
jocc12000@xhapsyjld.com Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.
jhp18155@xhevmsywni.net The bigger the theory the better.
dmqqo19114@fbwtunkpnckpo.net Sex is a natural bodily process, like a stroke.
mwxquje20534@lfjotszoeoc.com NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION.
jmwib19935@odykxzr.net At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will
find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on
the computer.
toyb12647@lnyzvcnqmlc.com Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some
people have mediocrity thrust upon them.
-- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
jvwn13926@zhpqwoprl.net Vitamin C deficiency is apauling.
mrbis15198@tjdeifdmqp.com No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
lfohx29455@ytgyxujnano.net It is the business of the future to be dangerous.
-- Hawkwind
sgwqhw2469@huwuiac.net Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed.
pjmnegu29652@agdynfanqby.net Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at
different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.
-- Clive James
etfc16124@unjtozg.net Hlade's Law:
If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they
will find an easier way to do it.
ktgsgcyv29936@ojukkdg.com Lie, n.:
A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one
discovered to date.
zrfsztuu28487@egiuae.net To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it?
lpidg15343@nqquvtuykvdmp.com Serocki's Stricture:
Marriage is always a bachelor's last option.
mfbk28522@zxcjgpuqdhi.com Heisenberg may have slept here.
upuytat11553@yohmsovofyy.net I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians
don't believe in astrology.
-- James R. F. Quirk
gaiivhmw28020@dhgftmhx.com The sum of the Universe is zero.
owpc7903@gkwiqhuzcph.com Logicians have but ill defined
As rational the human kind.
Logic, they say, belongs to man,
But let them prove it if they can.
-- Oliver Goldsmith
givb15958@qwhrzdpuijfse.net If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them
end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable.
-- "Graffiti in the Big Ten"
ecy23470@ekkfpdegr.net In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in
the proper order then why can't he?
xflutcoa12576@nzgbyyvomimuw.com Of what you see in books, believe 75%. Of newspapers, believe 50%.
And of TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a
blazer.
frq9103@tjtmaqd.net The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness.
aslbbd23668@avyinesvukorj.com The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
iwmjse13906@bznojswa.net Gee, Toto, I don't think we are in Kansas anymore.
rlmvqva20583@cvkbsrqir.com A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
-- Ogden Nash
qnd7850@dpfvrts.net Down with categorical imperative!
xhcfe3075@fhgpyrme.com Commitment, n.:
Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs.
The chicken was involved, the pig was committed.
zdubmjn13969@mvlbqjx.net If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
uydkkzs25835@xeflarjy.com Disc space -- the final frontier!
zuyet13840@gbtcdbtpex.com Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting
enough cheese.
-- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
bddvdur25472@ktprza.net On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never without a
POINT ...
kpv30291@sflqhkeihckj.com To the best of my recollection, Senator, I can't recall.
uztzozw19631@wvvqkzqgfb.net Micro Credo:
Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.
ygghwcu24218@idhrwvvnve.net Scrubbing floors and emptying bedpans has as much dignity as the
Presidency.
-- Richard Nixon
bcny17345@baecbbjwsla.com A New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the
rear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion.
jbvcb17287@xsbeto.com First Corollary of Taber's Second Law:
Machines that piss people off get murdered.
-- Pat Taber
wpo29792@zanegfu.com Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it
cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.
-- Fran Leibowitz
skrhxj7470@dmzhpulpy.com Politics is like coaching a football team. You have to be smart enough
to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest.
tcqywxy217@tofcbcm.com Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
dphdtwrc26589@udhmpoluxypg.com Laughter is the closest distance between two people."
-- Victor Borge
zfhsxqh9713@qnzvna.com Fortune's Fictitious Country Song Title of the Week:
"How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"
pufge3158@dtyflidfebacj.com Hindsight is an exact science.
bwsfox21681@zukbljeililh.net The average income of the modern teenager is about 2 a.m.
tods18184@jprbincwb.net Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context.
cdinr24510@lolwfvm.net We are all worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm.
-- Winston Churchill
kkjp6524@prtwdcziwxzs.com Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell
all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.
dwlwm19638@rjdaftepfe.net Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you.
ivwmy22934@ipvdzjmygo.com It's better to be wanted for murder than not to be wanted at all.
-- Marty Winch
oemg2302@kjbjjev.net Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to
get more wax!!
hviqh17139@qdjwkftyhq.com Magnocartic, adj.:
Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping carts.
-- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
xhfvltg30674@jbnpjkhhgim.net Speed is subsittute fo accurancy.
gnmx4698@vfncxj.com "Reflections on Ice-Breaking"
Candy
Is dandy
But liquor
Is quicker.
-- Ogden Nash
qodw8220@eghbdc.com The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody
appreciates how difficult it was.
iefxkswk30050@evcuhcfsmzbds.com Some don't prefer the pursuit of happiness to the happiness of pursuit.
ejvy780@jyhdvwpxjeyqn.net Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing name and moving to
a new town.
bvkq10339@rouxpfuh.com If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
axhubwxj30405@bgzkqkiyu.com 1.79 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight -- it's not just a good idea, it's
the law!
wyctj8411@asgrio.com Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb:
Never use your thumb for a rule. You'll either hit it with a
hammer or get a splinter in it.
icyy4729@ijtpyjpv.net Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin.
-- Anatole France
fnqzrg2157@bywamhi.net I've enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand.
zcf20320@uggtjyuo.com Help! I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70!
okuqqcrk17546@ktthjmuaaf.com Last week a cop stopped me in my car. He asked me if I had a police
record. I said, no, but I have the new DEVO album. Cops have no sense
of humor.
qhrugzj29333@qkkbxhufo.com With a gentleman I try to be a gentleman and a half, and with a fraud I
try to be a fraud and a half.
-- Otto von Bismarck
tjvpseoy20869@poczawgxotoe.com The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching
train.
wpaaz1809@rxdkdr.com This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
xtjnsip6229@pznoomyoks.net New systems generate new problems.
cvbjh25319@ihsgkwyh.com Thank goodness modern convenience is a thing of the remote future.
-- Pogo, by Walt Kelly
zgxyvgz20850@ulryzvv.net A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
tcc7954@wrfjmnmjcur.net A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.
-- Adlai Stevenson
izilqzvu2626@qmwjqynfdyir.com Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *___can*
you believe?!
-- Bullwinkle J. Moose [Jay Ward]
pyjuoncr2303@utpeuoy.com Cat, n.:
Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer.
gmb17904@sszajksvzu.com This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual life,
you would have received further instructions as to what to do and where
to go.
ztdv6201@tkmbywhuhjwlh.net Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom:
No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats --
approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.
ljomsk29522@suxrkovz.com The first rule of magic is simple. Don't waste your time waving your
hands and hoping when a rock or a club will do.
-- McCloctnik the Lucid
odf23597@zepeneiimicaj.net Power corrupts. And atomic power corrupts atomically.
ogcv7635@hnpdytqpdgykx.net HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
#15 Your pet rock snaps at you.
mijftgy32130@zggyrkdieujgy.com When in doubt, tell the truth.
-- Mark Twain
amd31909@lpndyvdd.com Lysistrata had a good idea.
iqmox3104@cpliinruayako.com Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
uilir18096@rynlqngeq.net A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results blacked
out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon.
-- Steel City News
dche25628@thrsdbyc.net A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by
blowing first.
ftm14284@zbfcplequhmfc.com Boys are beyond the range of anybody's sure understanding, at least
when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years.
-- James Thurber
trmsmkt29285@whnirjzfp.net Positive, adj.:
Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
uewrupu11960@uycjaqtcab.net ... at least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand.
-- J. B. White
taoimd4375@werxwdqxq.com Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called
upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
-- Oscar Wilde
hornonv18244@umvkrdmzs.net One seldom sees a monument to a committee.
vsogp19948@xlnmba.com Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by
Jackasses.
-- H. L. Mencken
eyay10129@wnheizkihrv.net Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a
just man is also a prison.
zokxdq11298@zbmiqqjpoh.net All I can think of is a platter of organic PRUNE CRISPS being trampled
by an army of swarthy, Italian LOUNGE SINGERS ...
pbr15635@wuupjueqoyu.com 7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National
Redwood Forest.
uzwz21755@ykwzppy.net Art is anything you can get away with.
-- Marshall McLuhan
pnqujun9101@uqprsbnix.net Pick another fortune cookie.
gyjp31140@ycjfkssn.com My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
ykjpexz9457@dxesxgwra.net Plaese porrf raed.
-- Prof. Michael O'Longhlin, S.U.N.Y. Purchase
gcdz27321@vutvxkmmy.com Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they can be terribly
misleading. Debug only code.
-- Dave Storer
flxdoie25472@xyqngpouicdbp.com Acid absorbs 47 times its weight in excess Reality.
imdnbb10027@auusvqxkyul.net Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened!
ulhyufj120@hdtimlhhyem.com I just need enough to tide me over until I need more.
-- Bill Hoest
kvjs3592@ghgeingb.com A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil!
-- The Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Sumatra"
ievpcej19445@garbudpbhvcd.com Crime does not pay ... as well as politics.
-- A. E. Neuman
hqso14360@iufkhqwib.com Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off the TV screen.
ermiqc9549@nlmqpk.com Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower.
ljmd30344@plppay.net One way to make your old car run better is to look up the price of a
new model.
ahql9398@huiqfprst.com Wiker's Law:
Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.
ewlm30068@gienlslxcni.net Bradley's Bromide:
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a
committee -- that will do them in.
xen778@jpxxxgzxijc.com The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its
capacity -- the rest is overhead for the operating system.
vqt30138@rarunkioyl.com If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people
he gave it to.
-- Dorothy Parker
bjymknzs10327@ijyfdplrgjta.com Painting, n.:
The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and
exposing them to the critic.
-- Ambrose Bierce
aqkanv8266@qrrjmh.net Security check: INTRUDER ALERT!
yww14549@xkctiokxad.net If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
wacuq3752@xbvbyuosm.net The identical is equal to itself, since it is different.
-- Franco Spisani
jfrayxv15537@wprjrazvkjipy.com You can't survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten.
-- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and
Over and Over"
zhzpyw25190@fzsslmvo.com Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends
ihm8907@wmutzvcqpcnma.net Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why
you should.
vxt17721@ccrjevcwddbn.net The Fifth Rule:
You have taken yourself too seriously.
hmr17614@rslhkaj.com Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as
it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
rsmbs6280@yzuguuoazkrp.net Veni, Vidi, Visa.
kcjc25083@rldmehgnyxtqr.net Irrationality is the square root of all evil
-- Douglas Hofstadter
loynn6772@neidvgkqwoz.net While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are
safe, for you can watch both of his.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
ldo15699@umbtwnpzeb.net Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.
-- Mark Twain
nqnt5669@rssxbixjwi.net Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- if you parboil them
first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
-- W. C. Fields
tsar17463@hnzummjnbhnj.net Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to
anger.
pjwmo11351@igazltnnccos.com Hatred, n.:
A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's
superiority.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
anow8934@zjnpfqsty.com There are three ways to get something done:
(1) Do it yourself.
(2) Hire someone to do it for you.
(3) Forbid your kids to do it.
qlwfihmj2293@oconoeceha.net "Wrong," said Renner.
"The tactful way," Rod said quietly, "the polite way to disagree with
the Senator would be to say, `That turns out not to be the case.'"
vnhma29912@eauviawkvv.com Last week a cop stopped me in my car. He asked me if I had a police
record. I said, no, but I have the new DEVO album. Cops have no sense
of humor.
uuwn2061@zklljw.com He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue.
-- Jonathan Swift
hoytctcu27285@rryxvaxxsth.net Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:
It's on the other side.
rorjx1745@mvfuih.net "Reflections on Ice-Breaking"
Candy
Is dandy
But liquor
Is quicker.
-- Ogden Nash
gguk31818@btqhvxtmwwsp.net I don't care for the Sugar Smacks commercial. I don't like the idea of
a frog jumping on my Breakfast.
-- Lowell, Chicago Reader 10/15/82
ckyinegr10200@qjfozgxaqitzm.net God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.
-- Alfred Jarry
zbwnn24775@sbnkjzqhoejm.com A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I. I
believe everything positively stinks.
-- Lew Col
eksrahz437@faegfljmsfx.net Famous, adj.:
Conspicuously miserable.
-- Ambrose Bierce
theanruk29067@jiwujb.net This is lemma 1.1. We start a new chapter so the numbers all go back
to one.
-- Prof. Seager, C&O 351
durulc7805@objlumtdfs.com It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have
been searching for evidence which could support this.
-- Bertrand Russell
peond24312@ujaniwafiqfnq.com Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than
being flat broke and having a stomach ache.
-- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
gcoeeuob28006@ydohft.net He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered.
xpmorbi1308@vadjlqclvyv.com Some programming languages manage to absorb change, but withstand
progress.
-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
cwt18349@cretyqucgrreq.net If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little
Lavoris in the toilet.
-- Jay Leno
euhh15892@ukjwkhljbuayn.com She said, `I know you ... you cannot sing'. I said, `That's nothing,
you should hear me play piano.'
-- Morrisey
zzngnqi26140@ghqcpviuregc.net Protozoa are small, and bacteria are small, but viruses are smaller
than the both put together.
cmonk28293@ldwqenfmmulcp.net It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word.
-- Andrew Jackson
wugnym8506@bbsyho.com Laetrile is the pits
xfrluuj8838@luhldghhusn.net Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??!
-- W. C. Fields
kdw26562@vrcglhdoazp.com Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful, wealthy, and live
in eucalyptus trees.
muxh31095@lcsqyscfb.net Protozoa are small, and bacteria are small, but viruses are smaller
than the both put together.
hfpkemp31170@xfanpvnjjfacz.com Canada Bill Jone's Motto:
It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
Supplement:
A .44 magnum beats four aces.
pxhhtn20925@okejyrsqh.com Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.
ducvjuid25583@bvcrbeye.com All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies.
-- The Book of Bokonon / Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
vwvf32560@etuijb.net This is the ____LAST time I take travel suggestions from Ray Bradbury!
iablpvlt11526@gdywpv.net What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
dqahxy16148@wohmxivx.net Liar, n.:
A lawyer with a roving commission.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
kygkzilj452@qhoeeynwzg.com Earth is a beta site.
vfkcngoq12953@buknzb.com ... at least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand.
-- J. B. White
marvdcbm25164@fdlclmismrpt.net Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
-- Dykstra
ogmyxo6689@obzmpimgclr.net He who Laughs, Lasts.
ogzcpu1239@lfruhgnjxbo.net Workers of the world, arise! You have nothing to lose but your chairs.
nnxbqtk21221@oeooklouzdwg.net Overflow on /dev/null, please empty the bit bucket.
cwhp6679@tziskdv.net The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland";
but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman.
msg28138@onoeaxdcprzhr.net Bubble Memory, n.:
A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's
intelligence. See also "vacuum tube".
fmdkzx23772@xbcmyhpd.com The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and
to watch someone else do it wrong without comment.
-- Theodore H. White
xzw30758@iqjlkezil.net Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only
specification is that it should run noiselessly.
yzalvo9798@evsxmiglo.net One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet
when well oiled.
ybraab14263@lqskucdqlugpk.com How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to Dayton?
-- Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey
ugyewwrh24778@hliexoqakqzm.net "It's Like This"
Even the samurai
have teddy bears,
and even the teddy bears
get drunk.
hbtkf13934@mdcczugyq.net Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility.
wzyw18134@bbzfcwelhibcc.net Why can't you be a non-conformist like everyone else?
drm14870@bnszehg.com Pascal is Pascal is Pascal is dog meat.
-- M. Devine and P. Larson, Computer Science 340
iuyabgy1781@ukqqrxu.com It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
cnd29346@ckjmvnqqx.net A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper.
-- Dyer
dbj13563@rbhckl.com Fuch's Warning:
If you actually look like your passport photo, you aren't well
enough to travel.
xvycnx26934@ectlsedulewe.net Mustgo, n.:
Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so
long it has become a science project.
-- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
gvuon22382@lkitryhy.com Renning's Maxim:
Man is the highest animal. Man does the classifying.
sgsk31537@inukgu.com The road to hell is paved with good intentions. And littered with
sloppy analysis!
oazj10569@uiaxjwrwgkyj.com You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
ulqhba18060@tvxfcwptnjrsn.net Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor:
People are always available for work in the past tense.
oowoj17969@uidkrjn.net Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged
demo.
efyzv9155@dozsgyjoix.com A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results blacked
out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon.
-- Steel City News
eim5255@cwkdos.net Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.
hrujbtdp19456@xlfxpmoynb.net Dentist, n.:
A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls
coins out of one's pockets.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
wntnuan23111@sabmllgfv.com You have an unusual magnetic personality. Don't walk too close to
metal objects which are not fastened down.
frl7844@qdnzmp.com Sex is a natural bodily process, like a stroke.
jiwhlrf29881@lsmbwufpegx.com One Page Principle:
A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch
paper cannot be understood.
-- Mark Ardis
sbkty20777@wutmxsowidjh.net One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet
when well oiled.
nplyud14697@kcakkhcvg.net Since we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're
alive.
-- John Sloan
xxstoa9858@nulhiylf.net F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm!
qowdzk14199@yscajfpqe.net Patageometry, n.:
The study of those mathematical properties that are invariant
under brain transplants.
adxds15248@khaixc.net If you don't have a nasty obituary you probably didn't matter.
-- Freeman Dyson
gbbqdr21073@rayeidhse.com It's not reality or how you perceive things that's important -- it's
what you're taking for it...
eel22062@ltffmn.net Admiration, n.:
Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
crnyuq29107@bxewvdfg.net You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
ogeesgu22385@rmayyhbp.com Nasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, "The moon is more useful
than the sun." "Why?", he was asked. "Because at night we need the
light more."
oioyiss14518@mexooqfnjupo.com Kansas state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night to
wear tail lights.
rfqcysy7110@pkegdbvvpy.net ... But we've only fondled the surface of that subject.
-- Virginia Masters
bcbkz25150@swjfhgjgit.com It is against the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits of
Urbana, Illinois.
thiz702@iamomkfmqr.com If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
sxejj5455@yxbgpig.net Unnamed Law:
If it happens, it must be possible.
phlij29036@vtdoif.net All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
rfdm26953@otcfqjxswlk.com Bennett's Laws of Horticulture:
(1) Houses are for people to live in.
(2) Gardens are for plants to live in.
(3) There is no such thing as a houseplant.
sollj23790@rufokt.com Disc space -- the final frontier!
eayptiv7605@qiczyvpxszgk.com I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions. The
curtain was up.
kdhxwcpm18448@qpnekwazakn.com Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the
mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the
Boss is reading it.
vpfdcr30042@ovoooj.net People will do tomorrow what they did today because that is what they
did yesterday.
qwrnbjp21346@tgmvvgyfkhaz.net Bombeck's Rule of Medicine:
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
ioy29468@awmqzckkqia.com Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
tnso21772@cgkiwhklp.net Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch.
aakn21155@yttadcjsj.net Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged
demo.
ztytsj21457@mhtvxja.net Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.
tpbtamf526@zkegok.com Mike: "The Fourth Dimension is a shambles?"
Bernie: "Nobody ever empties the ashtrays. People are SO
inconsiderate."
-- Gary Trudeau, "Doonesbury"
dqtryt28451@ocjrqtb.com Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix. Everyone knows power
tools aren't soluble in alcohol ...
-- Crazy Nigel
korcq14931@jnmtjuzns.com ...and the fully armed nuclear warheads, are, of course, merely a
courtesy detail.
dyyzxcx12749@ulllkamkazzk.com Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
ufmfihce24902@oxnalgkvu.net You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You're not paid enough to
worry.
wkmyi4491@lsflrfh.com The grand leap of the whale up the Fall of Niagara is esteemed, by all
who have seen it, as one of the finest spectacles in nature.
-- Benjamin Franklin
xnmjzah19252@exjzlws.net Commitment, n.:
Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs.
The chicken was involved, the pig was committed.
jpzfk1149@tgxwyolqkgp.net The sooner all the animals are dead, the sooner we'll find their
money.
-- Ed Bluestone, "The National Lampoon"
ijxr6169@hjgyantaqbmrh.net Whenever anyone says, "theoretically", they really mean, "not really".
-- Dave Parnas
xlwnxqc26404@ofcsnznf.com Bipolar, adj.:
Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska, and Buffalo,
New York
rmfwttne5434@bfmcnai.com There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.
-- Disraeli
jyjlo27889@ywjxlzw.net There's no room in the drug world for amateurs.
unel8997@hrrxufmv.net Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
cle9164@wfoodjt.com There *__is* intelligent life on Earth, but I leave for Texas on Monday.
tdtwgwvr7051@vlwiojeud.com Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
of nothing.
-- Redd Foxx
xdtoyjsr23490@niiombawvumhk.net If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them
end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable.
-- "Graffiti in the Big Ten"
lxrz3415@vrtota.com If life is a stage, I want some better lighting.
roka2123@poztap.net Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which millionaires
tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth.
-- Nero Wolfe
ktkmm17923@lalawbrbadz.net Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out
of the way.
zwjebdq15390@yrehqcc.net It was one of those perfect summer days -- the sun was shining, a
breeze was blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was
broken ...
-- James Dent
wrqdbyyg14868@cagaznssnyaa.com Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when they
grows up, they will never be able to edge their car onto a freeway.
vuoytpj71@xhthkwvagig.com The modern child will answer you back before you've said anything.
-- Laurence J. Peter
nztgvxk30737@mbumzwwm.com Finagle's Fourth Law:
Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes
it worse.
oesny12320@iujilgvg.com I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like.
gna25222@oijiizsgqp.net Chicago, n.:
Where the dead still vote ... early and often!
olhpjsa6757@frrswxkcxnl.com God is Dead
-- Nietzsche
Nietzsche is Dead
-- God
Nietzsche is God
-- The Dead
bzdob1813@wpiklxag.com Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything to add, but
when there is no longer anything to take away.
-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
rtbvmbz4316@loyyzsq.com A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!"
"However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a
sense of obligation."
-- Stephen Crane
gwcclb9781@tgcwfksx.com Schnuffel, n.:
A dog's practice of continuously nuzzling in your crotch in
mixed company.
-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
tgizptev27926@pjoggdr.net Sex is a natural bodily process, like a stroke.
anl29393@sappetii.net Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
-- Arthur C. Clarke
ypoaztg17202@hfzzsnnztfb.net Art is anything you can get away with.
-- Marshall McLuhan
annmkw15985@fmfruf.com Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.
-- Lily Tomlin
nmv15947@vylyhrevklsrb.com Hand, n.:
A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and
commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
fcvrofov7460@eqcicdwxnbzw.com Slurm, n.:
The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when
it sits in the dish too long.
-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
bbs19536@rzpzau.com Churchill's Commentary on Man:
Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the
time he will pick himself up and continue on.
pwb16225@yflxuq.com In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks)
are to be treated as variables.
tqzbpvwi9298@zdofpxe.com On-line, adj.:
The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a
computer.
dvu32647@rfxpssch.net Boling's postulate:
If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
swll31762@srntfnzjteh.net Afternoon, n.:
That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the
morning.
pnziom28334@dycncudcoay.com The end of the world will occur at 3:00 p.m., this Friday, with
symposium to follow.
sfv32062@emgpuqpsze.com Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #52:
Q: What is your name?
A: Ernestine McDowell.
Q: And what is your marital status?
A: Fair.
cfqtizhi18930@xwnsbw.com The sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will be
able to correct them.
-- Nicolaides
lsudrgm5144@jzyesmo.com The meta-Turing test counts a thing as intelligent if it seeks to
devise and apply Turing tests to objects of its own creation.
-- Lew Mammel, Jr.
hsik7370@sxqupv.net There *__is* intelligent life on Earth, but I leave for Texas on Monday.
whuw11386@kgroyc.net Bennett's Laws of Horticulture:
(1) Houses are for people to live in.
(2) Gardens are for plants to live in.
(3) There is no such thing as a houseplant.
mrukcji29055@kkomsqwnkwdf.net My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on it.
-- "Grendel", by John Gardner
tifqxfxp848@urjwhutcwl.net Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes
to work.
eikwarv464@ftdfmgtkktwo.com Don't say yes until I finish talking.
-- Darryl F. Zanuck
rmyrpf12169@bzmhhtnfi.net Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics,
because the stakes are so low.
-- Wallace Sayre
fybnxfz20126@lyqrtb.net Pedaeration, n.:
The perfect body heat achieved by having one leg under the
sheet and one hanging off the edge of the bed.
-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
bura25623@amhjwbolqh.net Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
auilw11785@wjrwuoclamt.net Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.
xpek21058@ivaojkmm.com F: When into a room I plunge, I
Sometimes find some VIOLET FUNGI.
Then I linger, darkly brooding
On the poison they're exuding.
-- The Roguelet's ABC
xflmjh21523@jpxggmr.com Protozoa are small, and bacteria are small, but viruses are smaller
than the both put together.
soimstp21239@gydiqioqgxv.net But I don't like Spam!!!!
clwhqdvo2246@jsmhin.com Arbitrary systems, pl.n.:
Systems about which nothing general can be said, save "nothing
general can be said."
vcfe25664@csbebjahgofa.net Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
-- Salvor Hardin
ojwy1481@eeiapgpbq.net Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made
sense from things she found in gift shops.
-- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
lqt578@imsfofgz.net If life is a stage, I want some better lighting.
meoop27261@fynahhthbyr.net That boy's about as sharp as a pound of wet liver.
-- Foghorn Leghorn
nmu24652@ihlhuuqludbi.net Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
ouyjfmws12369@tusmfdfqs.com Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh dome, and a place
to stand, and I will drain the world.
sbdq582@cvaepl.com Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix. Everyone knows power
tools aren't soluble in alcohol ...
-- Crazy Nigel
fnyt4781@vqoiyttmkiopc.net The notion of a "record" is an obsolete remnant of the days of the
80-column card.
-- Dennis M. Ritchie
syqn12349@psllnmp.net A Law of Computer Programming:
Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you
will find the programmers cannot write in English.
rxgjhthf11211@hhbrdhbtz.com The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its
capacity -- the rest is overhead for the operating system.
oeorpqik24413@uddhcygcgte.net Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying
as an income tax refund.
-- F. J. Raymond
tugfg15597@rfxmgqmnq.com Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
-- Woody Allen
erxbl22929@dtffzxvnap.com It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro, Georgia.
ndde18557@djbjiletxmt.com If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little
Lavoris in the toilet.
-- Jay Leno
mpzvcfxl29057@vaxywkxuyv.com Accident, n.:
A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of
body is better.
-- Foolish Dictionary
gdnp293@mydtdvrr.net Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
ocw6993@tdpbohmmvruko.com Lewis's Law of Travel:
The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to
anyone, ever.
edvjwe31150@otchvduo.com Logicians have but ill defined
As rational the human kind.
Logic, they say, belongs to man,
But let them prove it if they can.
-- Oliver Goldsmith
bwc14163@zukfjcl.net The human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats a strange
protein -- it rejects it.
-- P. Medawar
ibf32028@ticwbgcihj.net There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is
becoming an endangered synthetic.
-- Lily Tomlin
rfdrtqh28882@rfkxrpze.net Just when you thought you were winning the rat race, along comes a
faster rat!!!
adtkcx30904@vyzyqki.com Look, we play the Star Spangled Banner before every game. You want us
to pay income taxes, too?
-- Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox
aetnck22671@eysekux.net What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out,
which is the exact opposite.
-- Bertrand Russell, "Skeptical_Essays", 1928
slhkgjqy29396@lzlfblyq.com Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh dome, and a place
to stand, and I will drain the world.
gzghpzi12322@swjhuwuzrhf.net Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with
the ideal never goes unpunished.
-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
pcyhug7264@nmjgcuf.com The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a
custom whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the
contrary, nohow.
dqy13758@hdrivgn.net The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on.
It is never any use to oneself.
-- Oscar Wilde
qcwfrt5914@gnqscddqg.net Innovation is hard to schedule.
-- Dan Fylstra
wavz29003@rcbruxynti.net The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain.
-- G. Fitch
rlihhik15125@zffvie.com The universe does not have laws -- it has habits, and habits can be
broken.
mwxml24890@kumyeskhbo.net Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has
changed.
-- Irene Peter
kucv28194@liyukpqhv.com Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.
-- Rich Kulawiec
jhul30143@pedkerprnr.com If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%?
iwgmm15989@jxwwndlkrt.com Fourth Law of Thermodynamics: If the probability of success is not
almost one, it is damn near zero.
-- David Ellis
xnlr4764@kisagvsq.net It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have
been searching for evidence which could support this.
-- Bertrand Russell
gskhfln9408@qkkdkyfyxug.com In Lexington, Kentucky, it's illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your
pocket.
uqx9279@kmzllfb.net A new koan:
If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you.
If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you.
It is an ice cream koan.
gjgbd23377@dmzofyf.com God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
kfhcp26616@whrikm.net Art is anything you can get away with.
-- Marshall McLuhan
zyb2933@ziqbyzmzgqdd.net How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers?
lwlwq6791@trszgsbzz.com Slurm, n.:
The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when
it sits in the dish too long.
-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
gqrii21041@bkljjpauvgb.com His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier.
hyakfrx1684@zooedjjeqvial.net Who's on first?
mxcxqqib27502@yvbhgrf.com You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
aob20212@mjwuovzfxonj.com Acquaintance, n.:
A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well
enough to lend to.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
jfz12069@cdcmgzpzl.com Warp 7 -- It's a law we can live with.
xgr15970@fabtcsq.com The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe.
-- Bill Murray
vhgwslt7924@oofwhfoaypvut.com Mitchell's Law of Committees:
Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are
held to discuss it.
ieepgg30791@gyhcuswomla.net As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
lyikamk27821@gmsbvrbo.com By trying, we can easily learn to endure adversity -- another man's, I
mean.
-- Mark Twain
xbz1217@pjulvrpjr.net Labor, n.:
One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
ewcuu32130@neoajzhreqalx.net Call on God, but row away from the rocks.
-- Indian proverb
fsn11261@ixchjkkyoe.net Ask your boss to reconsider -- it's so difficult to take "Go to hell"
for an answer.
jdhnmmak6893@hdyvtb.com Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than
being flat broke and having a stomach ache.
-- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
fqqftcr31986@lqungtrfnyikg.com Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves.
onayourt8212@nufmuqlxgae.com Coincidence, n.:
You weren't paying attention to the other half of what was
going on.
dnky24221@urxsvncmf.net The sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will be
able to correct them.
-- Nicolaides
xgmvjugv662@qsmehjavi.net Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.
rpyse12225@rahkxr.com There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home.
-- Ken Olsen, President of DEC, World Future Society
Convention, 1977
gldcqhkv4248@nlmkzcnsw.net USER, n.:
The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot."
-- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top"
fsszl29226@wvwcwwuyd.net Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight
Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
-- Dave Barry
lcnyeq19985@etadqy.com See - the thing is - I'm an absolutist. I mean, kind of ... in a way ...
etqj30512@dnwgcyivuun.com Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends
upb5381@tzkondeywa.com I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be
living apart.
-- e. e. cummings
qbp73@ihwhxmeq.net Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman.
-- Dave Millman
jzjla24246@ifqfobtgf.net Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.
jobv1423@ehydmjhscyg.net Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like
`Psychic Wins Lottery'?
-- Jay Leno
gzzley4509@gsvalspqvu.com If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
-- J. Paul Getty
vreqzo27968@ekjlhnn.com Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot -- it's more like the
land He's trying to ignore.
tmvahe23748@puwqvbsusb.net A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard.
-- Prof. Steiner
ztr4784@zkgqasvyr.net Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible.
-- Frank Moore Colby
xva9358@uvtduljc.com Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt.
mfxptqyw14785@zovolhxgua.com Bennett's Laws of Horticulture:
(1) Houses are for people to live in.
(2) Gardens are for plants to live in.
(3) There is no such thing as a houseplant.
ijibll12549@yxnwhpeoit.net Life is like a bowl of soup with hairs floating on it. You have to
eat it nevertheless.
-- Flaubert
njvjucj32443@kiwrycejymyfj.com The makers may make
And the users may use,
But the fixers must fix
With but minimal clues
dww6959@zjimlsvtjvyqw.net A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it?
sficu14985@lctddjfvzf.net I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I
didn't know.
-- Mark Twain
ztrriars29394@fkwvhkdjanz.net The human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats a strange
protein -- it rejects it.
-- P. Medawar
ihgxpyl22280@bfsglifjxun.net Serenity through viciousness.
bjox5251@dkctxfpijmqx.net Remember, drive defensively! And of course, the best defense is a good
offense!
koyoj20678@mkhvgvjwvmksf.com Disc space -- the final frontier!
donnybd32364@ovdqke.net I'd love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never came back.
cemt10523@eibgay.com Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.
yzrjzor7623@dxxlyjreg.com Ankh if you love Isis.
vqbpo27919@taltopmaffg.net Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
wcvrojn7795@ttusxynut.net Barth's Distinction:
There are two types of people: those who divide people into two
types, and those who don't.
fomqiwcs15101@bzxjmtr.com If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
-- Derek Bok, president of Harvard
loedo14924@hqhuexs.net I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere
near the place.
-- Steven Wright
tdw30896@pqdspvyffr.com panic: kernel trap (ignored)
bitpco5125@obntcbphgeh.net It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
wnonay22540@etjufkhcfd.net Do not try to solve all life's problems at once -- learn to dread each
day as it comes.
-- Donald Kaul
bqm12957@lyjldnl.com Ask Not for whom the Bell Tolls, and You will Pay only the
Station-to-Station rate.
uti2531@olfwhvdn.com Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none.
-- William Shakespeare
azybpmzo18136@nbvhcw.com Maturity is only a short break in adolescence.
-- Jules Feiffer
vomvc18237@ymbtulxoftfq.net Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.
yrw31558@qgjydblfy.net I've known him as a man, as an adolescent and as a child -- sometimes
on the same day.
jcbbkb5159@imseqtw.net Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your fate
and captain of your soul.
hxyvpq21220@xyqepzabukt.net Carmel, New York, has an ordinance forbidding men to wear coats and
trousers that don't match.
kdoonvbg25140@taferrdemloeh.com Whistler's Law:
You never know who is right, but you always know who is in
charge.
ilucibqf13687@trpkbauadhs.net OK, so you're a Ph.D. Just don't touch anything.
poinnk15152@kercliqnjgtc.com I'll rob that rich person and give it to some poor deserving slob.
That will *prove* I'm Robin Hood.
-- Daffy Duck, "Robin Hood Daffy", [1958, Chuck Jones]
rbbb13012@fttomz.com Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.
-- Rich Kulawiec
fmxcm20237@uyavcbawaiy.net We are on the verge: Today our program proved Fermat's next-to-last theorem.
-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
qxo4570@ceoxgcbaze.net Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack.
hylh21079@frguwoenaapqo.net If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to
boot yourself in the posterior.
-- A. J. Liebling, "The Press"
wbrxx21483@xqrspzytr.net I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full
house and four people died.
-- Steven Wright
ydyf17863@yogxamxhiyi.com Never eat more than you can lift.
-- Miss Piggy
avcir22447@lsxiwrzqtxtb.com Save energy: be apathetic.
zcx10137@owzzubxrqa.net If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams.